Old and New Jokes

A blonde is in the car with her boyfriend and he asks her to stick her head out the window and tell him if the turn signal is working.

She sticks her head out the window and says, Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Nurse: No change yet.

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didnt back off he asked her name.

Carmen, she replied.

Thats a nice name, he said warming up the conversation,

Who named you, your mother?

No, I named myself, she answered.

Oh, thats interesting. Why Carmen?

Because I like cars, and I like men, she said looking directly into his eyes. So whats your name? she asked.

Beersex.

for the halibut.(hell of it)

You might be a redneck if…
You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

Wave a camera around. The normal girls will run and hide, and the overconfident girls will run to the camera, wanting you to take their picture.

The idea of building a chunnel between France & England was conceived quite a few years back. I believe it goes as far as the days of Napoleon.

Now, the question was How do we build the chunnel?

One suggested Well, one man starts digging in France, and one in England and they meet somewhere in the middle.

A question was raised What if they dont meet?

To which the first one replied Well, we shall have two chunnels…

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASNT YOU AFTER ALL — $

125.

A guy found himself in the mood around bedtime. He began cuddling up to his wife who was clearly not interested. He asked her what the problem was.

She complained that he was totally unresponsive to her needs. In typical male fashion, he protested, then asked what she meant.

She replied, For example, Im in the mood for snails right now.

Youve got to be kidding. Its 11 PM: where the hell am I going to get escargot at this hour?! he protested.

If you dont care enough to get me snails, you aint getting any. We next find our disgruntled husband an the local 24 hour supermarket, buying a box of live snails. On the way home, as luck would have it, he stopped to help a lovely young thing with a flat tire; and thats about all that was flat.

After a few drinks at a local watering hole, he found himself in her bed, doing what he originally had proposed to his wife. Our wayward husband was shocked when he woke at 8 AM. He raced home, searching his mind for an appropriate excuse.

As he approached his front door, he heard his wife walking to the door from the inside. He quickly dumped the box of snails on the porch and as the door opened he said, Come on guys, were almost there!

(Jerry Wood on the Tonight Show)

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute.  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"Theres no easy way to say this,so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die aviolent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at thewomans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.  She simply had to know.  She met the fortunetellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"