Old and New Jokes

Resulta que había un concurso entre maricas para ver quién de ellos tenía el trasero más sensitivo.

Viene el primer concursante, se pone en posición de pollito tomando agua y le meten el mango de un plumero. El marica empieza a decir:

Es un plumero de mango de caoba de 30 cm, las plumas son de ganso de color rosado y algunas de pavo real.

Toda la gente empieza a aplaudir.

Viene el segundo participante, la misma posición. Le meten un lápiz y empieza a describir:

Es un lápiz marca Mongol, HB, color amarillo, le acaban de sacar punta… ¡y tiene hasta borrador!

La gente estalla en aplausos nuevamente.

Viene el tercer competidor, a éste le ponen un embudo, por donde se pueden imaginar, y comienzan a echarle una taza de café recién preparado (con agua recién hervida). El maricón chilla:

¡Ay, ay!

¿Qué pasa? ¿Está muy caliente?, le preguntan.

¡No, estúpido, no le han puesto azúcar y sabe horrible!

Una vecina le dice a otra:

Carmen, ¿estás enferma? Te lo pregunto porque he visto salir a un médico de tu casa esta mañana.

Mira, vieja chismosa, ayer por la manana yo vi salir a un militar de la tuya y no estamos en guerra, ¿verdad?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommates closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge
for shelter.

His pal McGinty saw him and called, Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a
few spots o rain, now?

Sean replied, Im not…the fish come here fer shelter.

Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?

Because Minnie was fucking goofy.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

Hey look, Im a vet – I dont need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell whats wrong just by looking. Why cant you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if *that* doesnt work, well have to have you put down.

Wherz-myroof
Mykamel-izded
Oshit-Disisbad
Waddi-El-Izgowinon
Pleez-Ztopdishit
Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
Ikantstan-Disnomore
Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
Myturbin-Izburnin
Imma-Dedshmuck

Q. How can you tell if theres a drummer at your door?

A. The knocking speeds up.

Q. How can you tell if theres a singer at your door?

A. They dont know when to come in.

I just thought these up:

Death is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– A Matter of Life and Death

A strip club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– Striptease

Sex is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– (Quite a number of movies)

And my favorite …

Creating life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– Jurassic Park

I love it when commercials mention space-age technology. It doesnt seem to occur to many people that the space age has been going on for over 40 years now …