Old and New Jokes

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl
alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if
anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
Youre showing us that if you drink alcohol, you wont have worms.

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal

(Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then its only a small step to the rest! For example:

As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.

Youve relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie nieghborhoods, have probably less than the average (and dont forget DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

Youve also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing but terrorists in diapers? Lets drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

Santa would have to FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. Hed get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East. and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so hed probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawkings book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light, time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And dont say you cant go faster than the speed of light because Ive seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesnt have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and thats good enough for me. So Santa could go faster than the speed of light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. Yech!

Aha, you say. Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer. Where does he get the power to move that fast?
-You- calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer dont evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar arrays panels.

If thats not enough, wathc the news on the 24th at 11 oclock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in its name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and Ive seen radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They havent bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

Yeah, Doc, whats the news? answered Fred when his doctor called with his test rewults.

I have some bad news and some really bad news, admitted the doctor. The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live.

Oh my God, gasped Fred, sinking to his knees.

What could be worse news than that?

I couldnt get ahold of you yesterday.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, he says, Vive la France! and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, a pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,

God save the queen! and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, gimme a fork.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.

He asks, My God almighty, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker replies, So much for your canoe!

This conversation between John Ritter and James Belushi occurred in the movie Real Men:

Ritter: I didnt know you smoked.

Belushi: Only after sex.

Ritter: Oh. Thats not much.

Belushi: Nah, just a pack a day.

Ritter: Thatll kill you!

Belushi: No. But it makes me pretty sore.

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?
2. If you get one of those pushy people who wont shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that youll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, Im so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…. When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says hes Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Julie and Im with Dodger & Peck Services…. You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, Julie!! Is this really you? I cant believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN? Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as theyre trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, I dont have any friends…would you be my friend?
9. If they clean rugs: Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, Thats fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldnt give your credit card number to someone whos a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

    Example:

    Telemarketer: This is Bill from Widget & Associates.

    You: Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?

    Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.

    You: Great, they have a group there too? Hows business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, Well, I dont really want to get a call at home, say, Ya! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course…)

Venanzio and Lorenzo were sitting on a bench in a New York park.
Hey, said Venanzio, do you likea biga fat woman with a longa straggley hair?
No, Ima no likea dat replied Lorenzo.
Den, you likea da woman with a garlic comin from her mouth alla da time? inquired Venanzio.
Nope, Ima no like dat kinda either! said Lorenzo.
You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no? asks Venanzio.
Notta me! answered Lorenzo.
Den whya you keepa screwin my wife? Venanzio asked.

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if theyll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while hes at the bank getting the money.

But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.

The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. Shove them up you ass, orders the farmer.

The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done.

Youre free to go, the farmer says to him, but do you mind if I ask whats so damn funny?

Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, The third guys still out there, picking Watermelons.

So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. Ones got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other ones just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, howd ya get that wooden leg mate?.

The first reply’s arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark.

The second pirate is of course impressed, aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen. Howd ya get dat metal hook?

The first reply’s lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!.

Aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen says the second pirate, again impressed.

Howd ya get dat patch on your eye?.

Well I was up in the crows nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull says the pirates pirate, and the damn ting shit right in me eye. In disbelief the second pirate says

Well, howd dat make ya blind?

The first pirate replied: Arr…first day wit me ook.