Spring came along, and the Hill family decided to clean their house. After a hard Saturdays work, they became tired, and decided to take a nap. So they all stretched out on the living room floor and fell asleep. Just then, their next door neighbor, Mr. Brown, came by to borrow a cup of sugar. He noticed the Hills stretched out on the floor and thought that they had died. Mr. Brown ran home, got his accordion, returned, and began playing a song out of respect for the dead. At the sound of the accordion, the Hills woke up and stared with amazement at Mr. Brown, who was now running down the block, shouting and jumping for joy. What on earth are you yelling about? Mrs. Brown called from her kitchen window. Mr. Brown called back, The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmothers house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.
One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.
Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says No he wont, see I have a gun to protect myself. She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmothers house.
Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest hes going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.
Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, No he wont I have a big gun in my basket …. She pulls out the gun See, nothing can harm me. Little Red smiles and skips to grandmothers house.
Little red finally makes it to grandmothers house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!
The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, No youre not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are their rules!
Please note. these are all numbered 1
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.Youre a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You dont hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. If you think youre fat, you probably are.Dont ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about
A particular model year of car wouldnt be available until AFTER that year instead of before it.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, youd have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die for no reason. Youd have to restart it, and for some strange reason, youd just accept this.
You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought the Car 95 or Car NT Version, but then youd have to buy more seats.
You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, its that way NOW.
Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but only run on 5% of the roads.
The oil, alternator, fuel, temperature, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.
People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they have been available in other brands for years.
We would be still waiting on the 6000 SUX58 model to come out.
Wed all have to switch to Microsoft Fuel ™.
Lee Iacocca would be hired on as Bill G.s chauffeur.
The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automobile manufacturer instead of giving them.
New seats will be forcing everyone to have the same size bum.
Ford, General Motors & Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.
The new Car 95 and Car NT would be advertised as now having advanced features like tyres and an engine, totally ignoring the fact that these would normally be considered essential items.
Each car would have a fabulous paint job and lots of chrome work, but asolutely no interiour or boot space.
Even though the spedometer in the car is calibrated up to 200 Km/h, for some reason you never seem able to get it to go any faster than 50.
The Cars manual tells you there is a spare tyre in case you have a flat, but one isnt supplied with the standard vehicle.
The car is supposedly compatible with a bewildering array of accessories, but when you actually purchase one they never seem to fit just right. (Not that real cars are any different!)
It looks and runs like a small four, but for some reason consumes fuel like a big V8.
The car would be promoted zipping along on the Information Super Highway. But in reality, would simply be responsible for pollution and congestion of the worlds electronic roadways.
TO: All Employees FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to managements attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: Im certain that isnt feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: I wasnt involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: Thats interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: Ill try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didnt you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Hes not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: Hes got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Im a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, Im on salary.
TRY SAYING: I dont think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!
TRY SAYING: Hes somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: Hes a prick. TRY SAYING: Shes an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: Shes a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You dont know what the fuck youre doing.
TRY SAYING: So you werent happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.
We will wake the children…….17 times Its too late…….15 times Im too tired…….5 times Its too early…….52 times Its too hot…….15 times Pretending to be asleep…….49 times Window open the neighbours will hear…….9 times Backache…….2 times Headache…….16 times Sunburnt…….10 times Your mother will hear us…….6 times Not in the mood…….21 times Will wake the baby…….17 times Watching the late TV show…….7 times Too sore…….9 times New hairdo…….4 times Wrong time of the month…….4 times You had to go to the toilet…….9 times
On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
Your loving husband.
To my dear husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat…….7 times Didnt come home…….29 times Didnt come…….14 times Came too soon…….26 times Went soft before you got in…….18 times Toes in cramp…….9 times Working late…….49 times Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat…….21 times In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls…….4 times Caught it in your zipper…….6 times Got a cold, your nose keeps running…….14 times Brewers droop…….95 times Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue…….9 times Had a splinter in your finger…….4 times Lost the notion after thinking about it all day…….13 times Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book…….8 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasnt talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?
The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.
Your loving wife.
Points to Ponder
– A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…
– Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
– If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
– Does fuzzy logic tickle?
– If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
– I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
– How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
– How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
– I dont have a solution, but I admire your problem.
– If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
– If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while youre ahead?
– If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
– Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
– I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when Im in the bathroom.
– Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
– What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
– What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.
The clerk replied Heck no sister, you nuns and arent supposed to drink that stuff!
The nun said Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa, then the nun whispers She has the constipation.
The clerk said Oh, in that case, its on the house. Heres the biggest jug we have.
The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.
A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!
One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!
Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, replied little Johnny.
His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…
Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Take me to your leader
From: Dennis
UFOs are nothing to worry about
There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton cant even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.
Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.
Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. Im not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys named Bubba from Mississippi swamp land. And if they are going to abduct people like this, why do they give them back?
And what is the deal with crashed UFOs? They somehow negotiated the cosmos only to be felled by a tricky cross wind in New Mexico? Where did they learn to drive? Utah?
There are enough real things to be worried about other than aliens in a government relocation program. I personally worry that just about any day now The Cable Company is going to announce to the world that it really is The Phone Company in disguise and that they are really, really mad about the break up of AT&T.
You think the advertisements for phone services are bad, just wait till the TV giants go at it. I worry that those fiber optic cables run both directions and that they have enough dirt on all of us to make Nixon look like the saint he was portrayed as in all those eulogies.
Heck, maybe TV is part of the alien conspiracy plot. Maybe a silver ship will land on the White House lawn like in the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still and out will step Ted Turner and Ross Perot who rip off their rubber faces only to reveal the hideous truth … that they are still Ted Turner and Ross Perot.
We come in peace. We come to bring you affordable cable TV. Yeah, it could be true, my psychic friend said so.
I think we should get a refund every time the cable company shows a Police Academy movie. I think C-Span and the Home Shopping Network should combine so that you could actually buy senators form the comfort of your own home. I think there is too much sex and violence … in professional sports. I think if you turn down the sound, the video babes and studs on MTV and the Nashville Network are starting to look eerily alike. I think line dancing is a plot to bring back disco.
Im worried that people are actually starting to commit bazaar crimes just so they can meet Connie Chung or Phil Donahue. Im worried about the mixed morals of people who have both radar detectors and car alarms. To counteract this, I think police should hand out car alarm detectors to criminals.
I wonder if milk does a body good why hasnt a cow ever won the Kentucky Derby?
I worry that those Soloflex and Nordic Trak machines seem to make mens chest hair fall out. Really, look closely at the before and after pictures sometime. I wonder what kind of chair people with Buns of Steel find comfortable? I wonder if the Juice Man has any teeth?
I wonder if the UFO conspiracy guy isnt right after all.
Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet