Old and New Jokes

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
Ill make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then well talk." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
Son, Im real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up and youve studied your Bible, but you didnt get hair cut!
You know, Dad, Ive been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.
Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!

The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as the young man sat beside her. Following the usual small talk, he made his move. Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?

Well, yes, I guess I would. she replied.

Would you sleep with me for ten dollars? he went on.

Ten Dollars??? What kind of girl do you think I am ? she huffed.

Weve already established that. he shot back. All were doing now is haggling over the price.

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is definitely and its meaning is absolute, positive, without a doubt.

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, The sky is definitely blue.

The teacher replies to her, Well, thats a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?

Toms hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, The water is definitely clear.

Well, Tom thats a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes its green, and sometimes its full of seaweed so its not definitely clear. Anyone else?

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

Yes, Robert?

asks the teacher.

Can I ask a question, teacher?

Robert replies.

Yes.

Do farts have lumps?

No. Why do you ask.

Well, then Ive definitely pooped in my pants.

En el Vaticano, dos judíos piden permiso para hablar con el Papa. Les dicen que no y ellos se van. Al día siguiente vuelven y se repite la historia de nuevo. Y así llevan ya varios meses. Por fin, por pura casualidad, el Papa sale por la puerta en el mismo momento en que llegan los judíos y se interesa por el asunto:

¿Qué es lo que ustedes quieren?

Uno de los judíos saca un papel y lo enseña al Papa:

¿Usted conoce a esta gente?

El Papa ve una fotocopia reducida del cuadro La Última Cena y afirma:

Sí. Son los santos de nuestra Iglesia y éste es el Señor Jesucristo.

El hebreo pregunta:

¿Y usted se hace responsable de ellos?

¡Claro que sí!

Entonces, el otro judío saca del bolsillo otro papel y lo entrega al Papa.

¿Qué es esto?, pregunta intrigado el Sumo Pontífice.

Este papel nosotros lo heredamos de nuestros antepasados. Es la cuenta de la cena que estos caballeros nunca pagaron y, junto con los intereses, se hace una suma bastante respetable…

Churchills Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Who is the only woman in the White House not sleeping with Clinton?

Hillary

Ive never seen a woman make a fool out of a man without a lot of cooperation.

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.

—————– Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk!

—————– Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?

A: When they came over to this country, they had To NY stamped on their foreheads.

—————– A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage? The Saudi replies, Excuse me, whats a shortage? The Russian replies, Excuse me, whats meat? The North Korean replies, Excuse me, whats an opinion? Finally, the American replies, Whats Excuse me?

—————– Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?

A: A ride on lawn-mower.

—————– Why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

—————– One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.

They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, Row, Row, Row Your Boat. They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques…

—————– HEAVEN Vs. HELL Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife. Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.

—————– A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said, One more remark like that and Ill whip your butt!

—————– Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, lets eat!

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, Whats wrong with you?

The small guy says, Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says, Thank God! I thought you said Turn around.