Old and New Jokes

Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.

Unos monjes se encontraban recluídos en el monasterio, y tanto era el tiempo que llevaban sin follar, que decidieron compincharse con las monjas del convento que estaba pegado al suyo, y que también estaban bastante cachondas. De esta forma, se les ocurrió perforar unos agujeros en la pared en las capillas que solo estaban separadas por un tabique, de manera que a la hora de bajar a rezar pudieran realizar los actos sexuales.

A partir de entonces cada vez que sonaban las campanas para ir a rezar monjes y monjas se pegaban a la pared para echar un buen polvo. Ante el poco interés que mostraban los monjes al rezar y taras haber encontrado restos de semén en la pared, el padre superior decidió instalar unas gillotinas en los agujeros y asi cada vez que un monje metiera la polla para follar se quedaria sin miembro para siempre.

Transcurrida una semana el padre superior reunió a todos los monjes en el comedor para ver cuantos de los monjes habían quebrantado los votos sagrados. Puso a todos en fila e hizo que se subieran la sotana para ver si tenían o no pene. Cual fue su sorpresa al descubrir que todos los monjes ya no tenían pene excepto el último de la fila al que le preguntó:

¿Y tú cómo es que aún tienes pene?

A lo que éste le contestó:

Ezque do metia da dengua.

Captain Pennys Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Cant Fool Mom.

Youre so poor you cant afford a boner.

>From the movie Predator

I told my girlfriend I wanted a little cunt.

She said, Me too, mines as big as a house.

User: I want some answers.

Administrator: You want answers?

User: I think Im entitled to them.

Administrator: You want answers?

User: I want the truth!

Administrator: You cant handle the truth!
We live in a world that has Computers, and those Computers have to be
connected by people with a clue.
Whos gonna do it? You?
You users make me sick. I have a greater responsibility than you can
possibly fathom.
You weep for your email and you curse the local administrator.
You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that
this network, while screwed up, and confusing to you, probably saved time.
And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves time.
You dont want the truth, because deep down, in places you dont talk about
at parties, you want us in this office.
You need us in this office.
We use words like DNS, LDAP, and SCRIPTS…we use these words as the
backbone to a life spent playing with computers. You use em as a reason to
whine.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a person
who surfs and emails under the blanket of the very network I provide, and
then questions the manner in which I provide it!
Id rather you just said thank you and went on your way.
Otherwise, I suggest you pickup a mouse and design your own network. Either
way, I dont give a damn what you think youre entitled to!

User: Did you shutdown my email?

Administrator: You dont want to know.

User: Did you shutdown my file server?
Administrator: You dont want to know.

User: Did you shutdown my internet access?
Administrator: Youre damn right I did!!!

Three employees of NOSC (an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, Ah, a solution exists! and then goes back to bed.

Must turd!

How do you drown a blonde?

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I dont want to discuss it. Im merely telling you because youre my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. Ive made up my mind, Im divorcing Mama.

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

I dont want to get into it. My mind is made up.

But Dad, you just cant decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?

Its too painful to talk about it. I only called because youre my son, and I thought you should know. I really dont want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.

But wheres Mama? Can I talk to her?

No, I dont want you to say anything to her about it. I havent told her yet. Believe me it hasnt been easy. Ive agonized over it for several days, and Ive finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.

Dad, dont do anything rash. Im going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you wont do anything until I get there.

Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. Ill hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just cant bear to talk about it anymore.

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

Benny told me that you dont want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you wont do anything until we both get there.

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah.