24
Jul

Job Interviews

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.

What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call the lowlights.

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didnt get the job, it would show that the companys management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldnt get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized andsaid he had to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do I start? Whats the salary? I said, I assume youre not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as you will pay me more. I didnt hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.

27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didnt want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didnt want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

and topping the list….

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

24
Jul

Polish Suspect

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup.

Suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and screamed Thats her!!

23
Jul

New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

15. How do you want to crash today?

23
Jul

Muere Chvez en el golpe

Muere Chávez en el golpe de estado y va al purgatorio. Dios y el diablo se pelean porque ninguno de los dos quiere recibirlo.

En vista de que ninguno cede y no hay acuerdo, recurren a mediadores; éstos deciden una propuesta de aceptación obligatoria: que alterne un mes en el Cielo y otro en el Infierno.

El primer mes Chávez va al Cielo. Dios no sabe que hacer, se vuelve loco. Chávez le da la vuelta a todo, privatiza los elementos de la Oración y Liturgia, disuelve el sistema de asesoría personal de los ángeles, subasta las nubes, le regala un kilometro cuadrado de cielo al Infierno, nombra arcángeles provisionales, le interviene las comunicaciones a los Santos, cambia los cilindros a las cerraduras de las puertas de san Pedro, envía un proyecto de ley para reformar los diez mandamientos y darle amnistía a Lucifer, también le cambio las aureolas a los ángeles por boinas rojas y convocó una asamblea constituyente para promulgar la nueva Biblia.

En el Cielo todo es revolucionado, la gente, dividida entre escuálidos y santa chusma, lo odia y Dios no ve la hora en que se cumplan los 30 días para que se largue al Infierno. Cuando Chávez va al Infierno, Dios respira aliviado, pero al acercarse el día 20 comienza a sufrir nuevamente, pensando que en 10 días tiene que volver a verlo. Sin embargo, llega el primer día del siguiente mes y nada, el quinto día y nada, no aparece.

Primero Dios estaba feliz pero luego se quedo pensando:

¿Acaso se ha quedado más tiempo en el infierno para que luego puedan tocarle dos meses seguidos en el Paraíso?

Con solo pensarlo se desespera y decide llamar por teléfono al Infierno para preguntarle al diablo que es lo que ocurre.

Ring… Ring… Ring… Y contesta un empleado. Dios le solicita:

Por favor, con el demonio.

¿Cuál de los dos?, contesta el empleado. El pana colorado con cuernos o el coño de su madre de la boina roja.

Nota: Todo aquel que reciba la presente comunicación tiene la obligación, en defensa de la ética y de la democracia, de retransmitirlo a diez amigos. De no continuar con la cadena, sucederá lo peor:

¡CHÁVEZ PODRÁ SER REELEGIDO!

23
Jul

If Restaurants

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support waiter.

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?



Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.



Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!



Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration problem.

How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!



Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!



Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.



Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.

Im running late now!



[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]



Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.



[waiter leaves.]



Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!



The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

23
Jul

It Hurts!

A man goes to the doctor and says: It hurts when I press here (pressing his side)

And when I press here (pressing the other side)



And here (his leg)



And here, here and here (his other leg, and both arms)



So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, Youve got a broken finger!

23
Jul

Late Night Phone Call

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman? He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

Who was that? asked his wife.

I dont know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

23
Jul

A quote on marriage

My wife says if I go fishing one more time shes going to leave me. Gosh, Im going to miss her.

23
Jul

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24,

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

23
Jul

Q: How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?

A: She changed all her ys to ks.