Old and New Jokes

Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lindas eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that shed been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?

My mother died in June, he said, and left me $10,000.

Gee, thats tough, he replied.

Then in July, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.

Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.

And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

Then this month, continued, the friend, nothing!

Estaban los presidentes de varios países conversando con Dios. El presidente de Peru le pregunta:

¿Cuándo vamos a tener un país muy elegante, turístico y rico.

Y Dios le dice:

150 años.

El peruano se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existiría en ese momento.

Mas Tarde… el presidente estadounidense le pregunta:

¿Cuándo tendremos un país sin atentados, con mucho petróleo y más turístico.

Y Dios le dice:

200 años.

El estadounidense se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existiría en ese momento.

Por último el presidente argentino le pregunta:

¿Cuándo tendremos un país sin asaltos, robos, secuestros y muertes?

Y esta vez Dios se pone a llorar. El presidente argentino le pregunta:

¿Por qué estás llorando?

Y Dios le responde:

Porque ni yo voy a existir en ese momento…

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?, asks St. Peter.



The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.



The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.



The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HES MOVING!!!!

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked Can i help you sir?

Our man said Yes, I would like to change my name.

What is your current name? asked the clerk.

Martin Arsehole, replied the man.

The clerk laughed, and said I can see why you want a change. What would
you like your new name to be?

Tim.

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And were here to help…

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

Bard – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.

Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.

Jawjuh – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.

Munts – noun. A calendar division.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.

All – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

Far – noun. A conflagration.

Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

Bahs – noun. A supervisor.

Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!

Tar – noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

Tire – noun. A tall monument.

Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

Retard – Verb. To stop working.

Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.

Rats – noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.

Farn – adjective. Not local.

Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.

Juhere – a question.

Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?

Haze – a contraction.

Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.

View – contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?

Gummit – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Windows 95: noun,

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a

16 bit patch to an

8 bit operating system originally coded for a

4 bit microprocessor, written by a

2 bit company that cant stand

1 bit of competition.

Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years . Mrs Rajsi intervened, Not six we have been married for seven years !

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river.

And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River.

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It was not published in a referred journal.
Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world– but what has he done since?
His cooperative efforts have been limited.
The scientific community has a hard time replicating His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
He rarely came to class, and told students to just read the Book.
Some say He had His Son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed
His test.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.