Old and New Jokes

Iban dos amigos en el auto y el que conduce le dice al acompañante:

Hey, mira como paso la luz roja.

¡No! pero estás loco para !PARA!

No, si mi hermano siempre lo hace.

En el siguiente semáforo:

Mira mira como paso la luz roja.

¡Pero para, estás enfermo!

No quédate tranquilo, mi hermano siempre lo hace.

Y así como por cinco semáforos más,de repente uno en luz verde y el tipo frena de golpe y el acompañante le dice:

Pasaste luces rojas y ahora con la verde frenas, dale, acelera pelotudo.

¡No, mira si viene mi hermano!

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:



$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!



When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.



She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!



The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, –



You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know thats the first time in ten years weve been out of rye bread!

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are – very slowly?



The manager leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing.

All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

If you think there is good in everybody,
you havent met everybody.

A blonde went to the bathroom to pop her huge zit on her boob. When her friend walked in asked her what she was doing, the blonde replied, Trying to pop this huge zit on my boob!

Her friend answered, Thats not a zit. Thats your nipple!

The other day Bill Clinton was seen running around the White House with a pair of womens panties wrapped around his arm. When an aide finally had the timerity to ask him what that was all about he confided Im trying to quit so I went on the patch!

font size=1>Note: People trying to quit smoking sometimes use the patch – a transdermal nicotine patch you wear on your skin.

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a pancake, but when you pick it up you find the gooey syrup and the creamy butter have acted like a kind of flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered in lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a broken match, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing bacteria. Poor pancake… and you were so hungry.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car
default warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would be

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people–many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women–ooops, women and men–we

present the highest possible honor: entry into the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame.



Following are their accounts …



Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.



South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.



Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.



England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a handicap was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.



Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house–where she realized that the camels name was Otto.



Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.



Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.



(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that hed forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.



(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the banks video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didnt get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)



(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a banks basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed 911 for help…



Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.



(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.