Old and New Jokes

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.

Lawyer #1 says, Boy, wouldnt you like to screw her?

Lawyer #2 then asks, Screw her out of what?

Un vendedor estaba en su primer día de trabajo en una tienda de artículos variados. Cuando termina el día, su jefe le pregunta cómo le ha ido con las ventas, a lo que el noble vendedor responde: Pues muy bien hice ¡Una sola venta!

¿Cómo? ¿Una sola venta? ¡Pero si el promedio de ventas es de 30 o 40 por día!

Sí, pero ¿Cuanto se vende en cada una? ¡La venta que logré fue de 300.000 dólares!

¿300,000 dólares? ¿Y que vendió?

Bueno, mire… Resulta que primero le vendí un anzuelo chiquito, un anzuelo más grande y uno de ésos todos coloridos… pero le dije que tan buenos anzuelos merecían una caña buena… así que le vendí dos chicas y una enorme, también le vendí la carnada, y como todo éso no lo iba a podérselo llevar en la mano le vendí también una hermosa valija para los artículos de pesca. Luego le pregunté que si no era alérgico a las picaduras de moyote o de abejas, y por esta razón se llevó también un repelente para insectos y un Kit de Primeros Auxilios. Como estaba medio nublado, le dije que no se descuidara de la lluvia por lo que el hombre decidió comprar también un par de botas, un capuchón, un impermeable para lluvia y todo un conjunto. Nos pusimos a hablar y tampoco tenía linterna ni radio por lo que también se llevó todo eso… Poco despues le pregunté qué dónde pescaba y me dijo que le gustaba la pesca de mar… y le ofrecí el bote con motor fuera de borda y con todo y remolque… que también compró…..Ya cuando se iba me dijo: ¡Pero este bote me va a rayar todo el auto! Además, si voy a entrar por terracería, mi carro no va a poder jalarlo. ¿Y si me atasco? ¡Entonces le ofrecí una Range Rover 4×4 que le encantó… como iba a estar en el bote y el auto le quedaba en el puerto le instalamos un equipo de seguridad de última generación… y como la pesca era mar adentro también decidió llevarse unas cuantas redes, aparte de un GPS (Sistema global de posición) porque no sabía gran cosa del mar. Como le advertí que es posible quedarse sin combustible en mar abierto, y que las corrientes podían llevárselo tan lejos que iba a perder de vista la costa para pedir ayuda, pues le ofrecí un sistema de radio de onda corta de los más modernos para poder mandar un SOS en caso necesario, y también lo compró…

El jefe atormentado le dijo: ¿Y todo éso se lo vendió porque vino a comprar un par de anzuelos?

Y el vendedor, todo mosqueado, explica: ¿Anzuelos? No, el tipo vino a comprar toallas femeninas y entonces yo le dije: Ya que se te arruinó el fin de semana… ¿Por qué no te vas de pesca?

Mafalda creció, y un día le llegó la primera menstruación, mientras estaba sola. Corrió a la casa de Susanita, y no estaba. Fue a la de Libertad, pero tampoco estaba. Entonces fue a ver a la mamá de Felipito, la cual tampoco estaba. Felipito, al verla tan turbada, le pide que le cuente y le dice:

Mafalda, yo sé un montón de mujeres, he leído mucho y todo…

Mafalda lo piensa un instante y decide levantarse el vestido y mostrarle la bombachita con sanbre, a lo que Felipito exclamó:

¡Ay, Mafalda… te cortaron las bolas!

Q. What do you call cheese thats not yours?

A. notcho(not your) cheese

(Age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates the finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover



(Age 32)

1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant

4. Listens more then he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers anniversaries

10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week



(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK

2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car

3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking

5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves on most weekends



(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public

3. Doesnt borrow money too often

4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im emoting

5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends



(Age 62)

1. Doesnt scare small children

2. Remembers where the bathroom is

3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why hes laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers when…



(Age 72)

1. Breathing…..

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNNs Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained, Every womans first thought on seeing that helmet will be, I cant wear that.

It will mess up my hair!

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?

The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here!

I almost had an accident!

I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.

I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.

I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, –

Maam… thats your air freshener!

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
–Roseanne Barr

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone. –Elayne Boosler

If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldnt have time to do our hair. –Marlene Dietrich

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck? –Linda Ellerbee

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. –Kin Hubbard

I dont want to sound sexist here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. –Jay Leno

Theres a large amount of evidence saying that the mans point of view is largely irrelevant. –Ralph Noble

Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women
for the chance to fight with them. –Vincent Price

A bachelor needs inspiration in order to seduce a woman, a married man only needs an excuse. –Helen Rowland

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think
theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I
know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. –Jerry Seinfeld

Its not the men in my life that counts, its the life in my men. –Mae West

Ass, n.: The masculine of lass. –Unknown

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which youd like to have dinner
with. –Unknown

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house. –Unknown

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a fever. The doctor examines him and perscribes him some tablets. But there was one catch. He had to take his temperature every day. Internally.you have to stick this themomiter up your anus, the doctor explains. Ill show you now but Im afraid it will hurt.Thats ok, the man said. I have a high pain threshold.The doctor stood beind him and jabbed it up sharply. He explained it had to be really deep to get the right reading. It took several painful tries to get it right. The man went out limping.The next day the man was ready to take his temperature. But he just couldnt get it as deep as the doctor had so he asked his wife to help.She stood beind him, put one hand on his shoulder and rammed it up his backside.The man screames and the wife immediatley stopped.Sorry! Did i hurt you? she asked.No! said the man. He was nearly crying. I just realised that when the doctor did it, he put both his hands on my shoulders!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?