Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cats litter box. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy) Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time (thou has been neutered) Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
Last autumn, a group of friends went deer hunting and decided to paired off in twos for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
Where is Edward? the other hunters asked.
Eds hunting partner, Brian, replied, Edward had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail.
The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, You left Edward laying out there and carried the deer back?
It was a tough call, nodded the hunter. But I figured that nobody would steal Edward.
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.
NO PROBLEM says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?
Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well …, Well …, Well …, I need a brain.
DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?
Up steps George Bush sadly; Im told by the American people that I need a heart.
IVE HEARD ITS TRUE, says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE.
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?
Is Dorothy around?
Dorothy: How can you talk if you havent got a brain?
Scarecrow: I dont know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, dont they?
Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.
The Jew goes first – This is for my country and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks whats the matter? The boys says my dog just blew up!
The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, my cat just blew up!
The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. What so funny, asks the Pollock?
The Redneck replies – I just farted and my house blew up!
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing Wild Blue Yonder, and then jump off!
YES SIR! replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. Now thats bravery! exclaims the general.
Ah, thats nothing, says the Admiral, Seaman! A seaman appears, YES, SIR!! Take this weapon, as he offers him an M14, Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing Anchors Aweigh. Salute each of us, and jump off.
YES SIR!! replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
Now thats courage! says the admiral.
Courage, nothin snorts the Army general. Get over here, private!
YES SIR!! replies the private.
Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.
YES SIR!! replies the private, and completes the task.
Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!
They all look to the Marine. Private, he says.
YES SIR!!
Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing The Halls of Montezuma, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, FUCK YOU SIR!!
The general turns to the others and says, Now THATS bravery!
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.
Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.
Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.
Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.
Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.
So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders – The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey – When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
– Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
– Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: – Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: – Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: – One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if youre workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.