A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?"
28
Jun
28
Jun
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
He went into his fathers business.
He lived at home until the age of 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
He never got married.
He never held a steady job.
His last request was a drink.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
His first name was Jesus.
He was always in trouble with the law.
His mother did not know who his father was.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
He talked with his hand.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
He called everybody brother.
He had no permanent address.
Nobody would hire him.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He invented a new religion.
28
Jun
This is an old joke that has been heard around the Pentagon for some years, now.
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they dont speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.
27
Jun
Little Jonny asked his mother Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?
Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense? replied by his mother
Little Jonny answered The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
27
Jun
Un tipo era tan adicto al cigarrillo que no le importaba el lugar ni lo que estuviera haciendo, si le daban ganas de fumar y no tenÃa cigarrillos, inmediatamente salÃa a comprarlos.
Un dÃa que estaba bañándose le dieron unas ganas enormes de fumar y salió a comprar cigarrillos tal como Dios lo trajo al mundo. Cuando regresaba, vio que tres religiosas iban por su camino, asà que lo único que se le ocurrió fue ponerse como si fuera máquina expendedora de cigarrillos. Las monjas llegan y comentan:
Mira, hermana, que máquina más original de cigarrillos; voy a sacar uno.
Asà que le aprieta el miembro y ¡pum! salen sus cigarrillos. Va la segunda, aprieta y nuevamente cigarrillos; la tercera aprieta y aprieta y nada. Cuando ya se estaba dando por vencida y creÃa que la máquina estaba dañada comenta:
Vieron, a mà no me entregó cigarrillos, pero si me salió crema para la cara.
27
Jun
El marido sospecha que su mujer le es infiel, va al mercado y se compra el mejor machete que consigue y lo afila hasta que queda como una hoja de afeitar. Llega a su casa y le dice a su mujer:
Mi amor tengo que salir de viaje por unos dÃas.
Ok mi vida cuidate, le responde la mujer.
A penas el hombre sale de su casa la mujer corre rauda y veloz al teléfono a llamar su amante. El marido corre y se trepa en una rama de un árbol que quedaba justo sobre el techo de la habitación (el techo era una cúpula de vidrio transparente).
Pasado el rato llega el amante. La mujer pone a funcionar sus más ocultas fantasÃas sexuales y le dice al amante:
¡Amor hoy lo vamos a hacer como los perros!
¿Como los perros?
SÃ, yo me voy a desnudar y voy a caminar en cuatro patas por la casa y justo en la entrada del dormitorio orinaré, tu olerás y luego correrás a montarme.
A todas estas el marido esta alerta en la rama del árbol con el filoso machete en mano, viendo toda la acción de los amantes.
La mujer empieza su show… Gatea hasta la entrada de la habitación, orina y luego se acuesta
en la cama. Llega el amante y cual perro cazador, viene olfateando hasta llegar al pozo de orina, se agacha a olfatear y cuando lo hace, dobla ligeramente la cabeza hacia arriba y ¡SORPRESA! Allà ve al furioso marido trepado en la rama y opta por quedarse inmóvil.
Pasan los minutos y de repente dice la mujer:
Mi amor ¿qué pasó que no vienes?, ¡ya oriné!
A lo que el hombre contesta:
¿Ya orinaste?, bueno, pues ahora mira para arriba para que TE CAGUES!
27
Jun
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two thousand dollars and a substantial tax cut save you two dollars?
27
Jun
When you are out of Monet.
27
Jun
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
Im from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds:
You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to
Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets
have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you
go to?
Saint Marys, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys
and I graduated in 62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
Whats been going on?, he asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OMalley twins are drunk
again.
27
Jun
Is it in?