Old and New Jokes

Two guys are changing in the locker room at the gym, and one of them notices that the other one is wearing a bra and panties.

Hey, Joe, how long have you been wearing womens underwear?

Ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

IBM: Ive Been Moved

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth even when you dont know anything.



The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just dont tell your father.



Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please dont say a word to your mother.



Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth.



The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug!

A nun walks into a taxi. The taxi drivers

says to the nun,I have always wanted to



kiss a nun. Will you please kiss me?



She says I will if you are single and



Christian. So the the cab drivers says



,Yes Im Christian and single So after



they kiss, the cab drivers says well, i lyed



because im married and im jewish. So



the nun says Oh thats ok, cause my



name is Kevin and im going to a



halloween party!

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Babys Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.

A red head said, O.K., whats the capital of Wyoming? The blonde replied, Oh, thats easy, W.

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligans Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell.

Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST – she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY – she is jealous of Gingers beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE – he is an annoying know-it-all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED – no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH – she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY – again, no explanation needed and ANGER – he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

Q. Why did the blind man give up skydiving?

A. It was scaring the hell out of his dog!

Dave Wallace