What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate? Spank his monkey.
05
Apr
05
Apr
A woman puts panties on her head to protect her hair whilst painting the walls. The doorbell rings and her small son answers it.Mum! The boy shouts, Take your panties off. The milkmans here and wants paying.
05
Apr
Ye go to a tail gate party and not have a tail gate.
Youve ever shot a deer from inside ye house.
Tonights supper was too slow crossing the road this morning
Your truck wont fit through the drive threw at McDonalds.
Your bass boat costs more then your home.
Your kids ride in the back of your pick up so your dog can ride shot gun.
Youve ever been trapped in a crossfire at a family reunion.
Youve ever used your only phone call in jail to check the status of Nascar race.
Youve ever used jumper cables to start your computer.
You have ever decorated a birthday cake with a caulk gun.
Your deer stand has a mailing address.
You can burp the entire chorus of Jingle Bells.
Joke found on http://www.funny-jokes.net
04
Apr
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go Yeeeee-Hah ! and throw his hat in the air.
04
Apr
Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to sniff the first ones butt.
04
Apr
Un hombre va a un burdel y pide una puta barata:
¿Qué le parece una de $10,000?
Qué va, que va, más barata.
¿Quizás mil?
Pero usted debe creerse que yo soy Onnasis, ¿no?
¿Y cien?
Venga hombre. ¿Está loco?
Pues mire, váyase a la de la ultima puerta que es gratis.
Esa me gusta, voy para allá.
El tÃo va leyendo carteles en los que pone: Puta americana, puta francesa, puta inglesa, puta alemana, puta rusa… y en la última puerta lee: ¡Puta calle!
04
Apr
Una señora dio a luz y le dijo al médico que por favor le trajera al niño para verlo, el médico con mala cara le dice: señora la verdad es que su hijo nació sin piernas, entonces la señora dice:
Ah, no importa, tráigamelo asÃ
El medico la mira y le dice: la verdad señora es que nació sin manos, sin tronco. Sólo nació una oreja.
La señora desconcertada le dice:
No importa tráigamela.
El médico accede y se la lleva envuelta en una sábana. La señora al tenerla en sus brazos empieza a decirle agugu- agugu, a lo que el médico le dice:
Señora, háblele mas duro que nació sordo.
04
Apr
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.
Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!
Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…
What about the PC?
Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.
Which three?
Control, Alt and Delete.——
04
Apr
One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
Two weeks ago, I said, was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasnt feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didnt even say Good Morning let alone say Happy Birthday.
I said to myself Well thats wives for you. The children will remember. But the children came into breakfast and didnt say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know its such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so lets go to lunch, just you and I. I said, By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Lets go.
We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, its such a beautiful day we dont need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not.
She said, Lets go by my apartment, and Ill fix you another Martini.
We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable and I allowed her as I didnt mind at all.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
04
Apr
Yo mama so poor, I stepped on her old banged-up skateboard and she yelled, Get off my car!