Old and New Jokes

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officers amazement – the guy was stone cold sober.

I cant belive it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???

Oh thats easy, replies the man.

Tonight Im the designated decoy.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?

I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.

Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

Why did you do that?

Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license.

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season, says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em!

Estaban dos borrachos en una esquina discutiendo:

Compadre, ésa es la luna.

No, ése es el sol.

¡Qué no, ésa es la luna!

¡Pero tú estás loco, no ves que ése es el sol! Es más, vamos a preguntarle a aquel tipo que viene para que veas que es el sol.

¡Psss, señor! ¿Qué opina, usted, ése es el sol o es la luna?

El tipo mira hacia arriba y dice:

Bueno, eso está difícil porque yo no vivo por aquí.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been rounding up bad guys all day, and were
in big-time need of a beer. They rode their horses as fast as they could
to the nearest town, and tied them to the rail outside the saloon.

The Lone Ranger told Tonto to stay outside a little while and run around
Silver real fast so that Silver doesnt get sick from overheating.

Tonto said, Sure thing, Kemosabe, and did as he was asked.

While the Lone Ranger was inside having his beer, a stranger walked in and
asked, Who owns that big white stallion tied up outside?

I do, said the Lone Ranger, whats it to you?

The stranger ordered a beer, turned to Lone Ranger and said, Nothin to
me, Pardner, but you left your injun runnin

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Thats what grad students are for

Q:why did hitler kill himself after world war two?


A:because he got the gas bill

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines …

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee….

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

United Airlines FA: Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines wed like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called touchdown.

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Overheard by a guy giving rides: Sorry about the rough landing, but Im practicing for a job at SAS. Next time Ill try to lose your luggage.

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasnt the pilots fault, and it wasnt the planes fault … it was the asphalt.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a Thanks for flying XYZ airline.

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

Why no said the pilot, Maam, what is it?

The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

Why dont you hear any Jim Jones jokes anymore?

The punch lines are too long.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.