Old and New Jokes

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

yo mama so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book.

What do Michael Jackson and a PS2 have in common?

They are both made out of plastic and little kids turn them on.

Yo mama so fat that she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.

A man come into the ER yelling, My wifes going to have her baby in the cab! The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the ladys dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and its obvious that hes in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients chest wall. Big breaths, instructed the nurse. Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a massive internal fart.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. Again, a flawless read. Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, Youre not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!

During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?, asked the doctor The patch, he replied, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and Ive run out of places to put it! The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldnt see …Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long since you have been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered, Why, not for about twenty years …when my husband was still alive.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, So hows your breakfast this morning? Its very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I cant get used to the taste, the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled KY Jelly.

In the year 2020, will everybody have perfect vision?

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, people ask whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch em.

The pastor says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering. Then
five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of.

The choir is known as the OK Chorale.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bobs Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a 56 Chevy.

The pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey honey, this looks like yours!

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

VMS Beer — Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.