Old and New Jokes

Q. How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?

A. She drops her nail file.

Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realised that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spareany change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has not yet been implemented.

Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will cleanup your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.

Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General pandemonium then ensued.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Congo!
Congo who?
Congo out, Im grounded!

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

El Rey León había llamado a todos los animales de la selva y les dijo que iba a hacer una fiesta y que todos necesitaban traer una fruta, pero que al que trajera una fruta dura se la iba a meter por detrás.

Ya en la noche llega la jirafa y trae plátanos y el león lo deja entrar y así llegan más animales, hasta que llega la ardilla cargada de nueces y ahí está el leon metiéndole las nueses por allá donde te conté y la ardilla estaba risa y risa. El leon, sorprendido, le dice, ¿Por qué te estás riendo?

Y la ardilla le contesta: ¡Es que el chango trajo cocos!

Un cubano se encuentra con un grupo de personas que caminan por la calle gritando consignas contra el régimen.

El individuo, que es de ideas afines, se une a ellos y empieza a gritar, a voz en cuello, las mismas consignas.

Al cabo de un rato de camino, e intrigado por la presencia de unos soldados que los siguen, decide preguntar a sus nuevos camaradas adónde se dirigen.

¡Al paredón, chico, al paredón!

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.



Shes incredibly mixed up, said one doctor. She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!



The second doctor said, Thats nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!



Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.



Oh my God!, said the first doctor, I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveiras ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasnt smooth enough.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hutch!
Hutch who!
Bless you, and Im right out of tissues!