Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Die written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and yells Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers Well, dont just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?

Clinton says Give me the bad news first.

The officer says Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.

The results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine.

Clinton says I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president!

…Well, whats the REALLY bad news?

The officer replies Well, its Hillarys handwriting.

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother.
One morning she was over at the docs house when her
daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her
grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted
her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be
seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, I dont think
its necessary, just watch him closely for any change.

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having sex?

A: Because they are so turned-on!

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?

A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.

The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned…they couldnt get the tailgate open

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jewell!
Jewell who?
Jewell know if you open the door!

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isnt that grand?

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on the wage rate.

Cuando, en 1931, los japoneses invadieron la región china de Manchuria, se comportaron como los típicos conquistadores: tratando con insulto y desprecio a la población. Sí algún poblador se atravesaba en su camino, los soldados nipones se ufanaban ante ellos diciendo:

¡Japón tu pale!

A lo que los sumisos chinos respondían:

¡China tu male!

You might be a redneck if. . .



You think harass is two words.

You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have more dogs than the local shelter.

You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.



How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!



Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!



Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:

A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Another item taken from K M Reeses article in C&EN.

An anonymous caller who wrote, I cant stop laughing, sent in a newspaper story about three janitors who in the utility room of a Californian elementary school tried to euthanize a gopher that a student had found on the school grounds and brought to them.

To that end they sprayed the rodent with several cans of a freezing solvent used to clean gum and wax off floors.

One of the janitors tried to light a cigarette, and the resulting blast blew all three out of the room. All apparently came out OK, as did the 16 pupils who were treated for minor injuries. The gopher was released later in a field.