My wife saw these in the current Business and Finance so maybe theyre
not that new. (USA readers substitute Yugo for Lada)…
Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Users Manual?
A. The bus and train timetables.
Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A. A bloody miracle.
The was a man who had three georgeous kids and one extremely gruesome one.
While on his deathbed, he asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I the father to our last boy, Craig?"
"Yes, honey," rplied his wife, "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."
"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."
And the man peacefully passed away.
Maria, gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank goodness he didnt ask me about the other three."
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I dont think its fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket? Ever go fishing? the policeman asked the man. Um, yeah… so, the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, Ever catch ALL the fish?
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society….
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more childcare tasks — especially cleaning up spills and
little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorites stores return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting US presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gasses back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.
Una dama de sociedad visita a su párroco un dÃa y le comenta:
Padre, estoy muy preocupada, resulta que tengo dos cotorras hembras que sólo dicen: somos prostitutas ¿quieren divertirse?
El sacerdote extrañado del caso, le dice:
Eso es muy obsceno, pero creo que tengo la solución hija mÃa. Yo tengo aquà en la parroquia dos loros machos, a los cuales les he enseñado a rezar y a leer la Biblia. Ellos están muy educados y hablan sólo de Dios, y creo que si traes a tus cotorras y las juntamos con mis loros, ellas se salvarán y te las llevarás a tu casa educadas y refinadas. Mis loros podrán enseñarle a tus cotorras como leer la Biblia y como rezar en las tardes.
La señora sale ilusionada con la idea y a la media hora regresa con las dos cotorras a la iglesia.
El sacerdote la hace pasar y la lleva hasta la jaula donde se encuentran los dos loros que, en efecto, están rezando muy bajito. Impresionada, la señora le da las dos cotorras al cura, y éste las mete en la jaula de los loros.
En cuanto las sueltan dentro de la jaula, las cotorras dicen:
Hola, somos prostitutas, ¿quieren divertirse?
Se hace un silencio abismal. Finalmente, un loro mira a cada lado y le dice al otro:
José, quÃtate el hábito, nuestras plegarias al fin han sido escuchadas.
Two nuns come over here from Ireland. They are riding the bus from the airport to their hotel and one turns to the other and says these people are barbarians, i have heard that they eat dog. the other nun gasps. they get off the bus and see a vendor selling food so the first nun walks over and asks for two dogs. he hands her two hot dogs and she quickly rejoins her companion, handing over one packet. She opens hers and gasps what part did you get?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bitter Bianca!
Bitter Bianca who?
Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, Okay, guys, you can come out now.