Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.
No problem, the man says. I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldnt you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didnt die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.
The man says, No problem. But youre not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didnt die right away. As Im laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
I could get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself. Very well, the angel announces, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.
The man says, OK, picture this. Im naked inside this refrigerator. . .
Stanley, the sperm, was always exercising. He wanted to be in top
physical condition.
One of the other sperm asks, Stanley, why do you always work-out
instead of lounging around like the rest of us?
Stanley replied, Well, there is only one sperm that impregnates a
woman. I am going to be that sperm.
A few days later, things started heating up and all the sperm were ready
to go. When the time was right, Stanley was out-distancing all the other
sperms by a great distance. Suddenly, Stanley started swimming back
toward the other sperm,
screaming wildly, Go back, go back its a blowjob!
Una mañana muy frÃa de invierno, el presidente Clinton se levantó bien pronto y empezó a correr alrededor de la Casa Blanca mientras todo el mundo estaba todavÃa durmiendo. Al pasar por la cerca exterior para dirigirse al césped del frente, quedó sorprendido al ver el mensaje BILL CLINTON ES UN DESVIADO escrito con orina sobre la nieve recién caÃda.
El presidente se quedó lÃvido y se admiró de la audacia de esta infamia cometida ante sus narices. Llamó inmediatamente al jefe del Servicio Secreto y ordenó una investigación para descubrir al autor.
No repare en gastos, ordenó el presidente. Ponga a sus hombres a trabajar dÃa y noche. Haga un examen de orina a todos los ocupantes de la Casa Blanca. Traiga grafólogos. Haga todo lo que pueda ser hecho. Pero traigame el nombre de ese insolente.
El Servicio Secreto hizo todo lo que precisaba ser hecho. Trabajaron frenéticamente 24 horas al dÃa, investigando a todo el mundo, efectuando todo tipo de pruebas secretas. Y finalmente, tras tres dÃas, tenÃan la respuesta.
El jefe del Servicio Secreto encontró al presidente en el Despacho Oval limpiando su saxofón, y dijo que, desgraciadamente, era portador de malas noticias.
Y entonces, preguntó el presidente ¿tiene usted el nombre del responsable de denigrar mi imagen en la nieve de la Casa Blanca?
SÃ, lo tenemos, Sr. Presidente.
¿Y quién es él?. Quiero saberlo.
Bien, Sr. Presidente, después de las pruebas de orina hechas a todos los ocupantes de la casa Blanca, tenemos la certeza de que pertenece a Al Gore.
¡Oh Dios mÃo! gritó el presidente ¿Al Gore hizo eso? ¿Al Gore, mi vicepresidente? ¿Al Gore, mi amigo de la infancia?. No puedo creerlo. Esta es la peor noticia que me podrÃa haber dado.
Bien, la noticia es en realidad algo peor que eso, Sr. Presidente, dice el jefe del Servicio Secreto.
¿Cómo? ¿Peor que eso? ¿Qué puede ser peor que el vicepresidente escriba un insulto contra mà en la nieve con orina?
La letra es de Hillary.
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
Frescos Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, youd probably be bored.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Yuppie pregnant women dont go into labor, they go straight into management.
1.99934342, but thats close enough for the average peron.