Old and New Jokes

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?

The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.

Wonderful, said the psychiatrist.

Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.

Definitely, said the psychiatrist.

Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.

Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor.

And finally, if none of these things appeals to me…

I can always continue to be a teakettle!

DEAR ABBEY – I HAVE A PROBLEM I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.

Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this…


If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise …

A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out, Watch out for the wall!!!

There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts,

WHOOOSSHHHHH….

No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts,

WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH……..

Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,

PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH…

The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, STRAIGHT.

A 90 year old man dies while making love to his 89 year old wife. Later, she is discussing this with her granddaughter. The granddaughter thinks its not right for people that old to have sex. The grandmother says We had been doing it every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells. In on the bing, out on the bong. We discovered that the rhythm was perfect. Hed still be alive if it werent for that stupid ice cream truck!

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

Un tipo se queda sin trabajo. Desesperado, va con un amigo suyo, dueño de un supermercado, y le pide que le dé un trabajo.

El amigo le dice que sólo le puede ofrecer un puesto como vendedor, pero le advierte que a él le gusta que sus clientes sean muy bien atendidos y que se les convenza de comprar algo más antes de abandonar la tienda.

Como ejemplo, le pide que observe su propio comportamiento con una señora que acababa de entrar:

¿Qué se le ofrece, señora?

Quisiera un limpiavidrios.

Cómo no, aquí lo tiene, señora… ¿y por qué no aprovecha y se lleva un lustramuebles, también?

¿Y yo para qué quiero un lustramuebles?

Bueno, porque si limpia solamente los vidrios, los muebles se van a ver sucios; pero si los lustra, toda la casa se verá reluciente.

¡Tiene toda la razón, muchas gracias por su consejo!

Se va la clienta muy contenta, y el dueño del supermercado le dice a su amigo que atienda a la joven que acaba de entrar, para ver si había aprendido la técnica de atender a los clientes de acuerdo como a él le gustaba.

Buenas tardes, ¿qué se le ofrece, señorita?

Quiero un paquete de Tampax.

Cómo no, aquí lo tiene, señorita y ¿por qué no aprovecha y se lleva un limpiavidrios y un lustramuebles?

¡Pero qué ridiculez! ¿Y para qué quiero yo lustramuebles y limpiavidrios?

Bueno, es que como se va a pasar una semana sin culiar… ¡por lo menos aprovecha y limpia bien la casa!

Un chofer presentaba todos los días a su patrón la cuenta de gastos del coche. Debajo de los rubros gasolina, aceite, composturas, etc., invariablemente anotaba una misteriosa partida que decía: P.S.P. 20 pesos. El jefe nunca leía la cuenta con detalle, limitándose a pagar el total. Sin embargo, un buen día se fijó y reclama:

Feliciano, ¿qué significa P.S.P. 20 pesos?

Eso, señor, significa Por si pasa, pero creo que hasta ayer pasó…

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.



The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak.



The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …!

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it chili if its hot?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?