Old and New Jokes

Your mama so dumb someone asked her to trace her roots and she drew on her hair.

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moments hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. An unidentified reader had penned, Good book, wasnt it?

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day hes driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her — but he cant. Later, he sees a kid skating and cant resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, Dont worry. I got him with the door!

Q. Where do the Ku Klux Klan buy there sh-sh-sheets? A. At the k-k-k Mart.

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer; shes a lawyer, or thats Michael; hes a doctor.A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And theres the teacher; shes dead.

I made myself a snowball

As perfect as could be.

I thought Id keep it as a pet

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas

And a pillow for its head.

Then last night it ran away,

But first – it wet the bed.

(unknown)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, Hello, Patricia Whack. Id like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.
Patti looks at this frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000 and the teller asks him his name, and the frog says its Kermit Jagger, hes the adopted pet of Mick Jagger and that its ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral. The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that shell have to consult with the manager and leaves the room. She finds the manager and says, There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know Mick Jagger and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks, What the heck is this?
The bank manager looks her in the eye and says:Its a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. Ive hung a nail by the right stall so youll know which one I want him to impregnate.

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the Inseminator arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. This is the cow right here, she tells him.

Whats the nail for? the guy asks.

Replies the wife, I guess its to hang up your pants.

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and shes wearing earphones connected to her walkman.

She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didnt cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.