The ATMHIM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt 5. Leave HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because shes too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit cancel 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 12a. Hit cancel 12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake
Q: Why was the number zero fired?
A: Because he didnt add any value to the company.
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but still managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didnt know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didnt know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store…because he spoke English.
The meek may inherit the Earth, but the bold will get the parking spaces.
Nice guys finish last. So does anyone who reads the instructions.
If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. Shes kind of expecting it.
Dont go into the water after a heavy meal. You wont find one there.
People who live in glass houses dont have much of a sex life.
Life is just a continuous process of getting used to things you didnt expect.
(The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.)
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages.
Today we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by
way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master
when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dogs master, who was fishing
at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He
looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) Thereby hangs a
tail.
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out
after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself
at the pike, barking excitedly.
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that
got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier
to tell about the one that didnt?
Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?
More perks, and the payoff is better.
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!.
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses.
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?.
The young girl says I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says If I must, I must. Show me the animal. The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. Its coat is threadbare, its legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, Surely, you wouldnt send a knight out on a dog like this?
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, What were the people doing on the bus?
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, Yeah, but what else were they doing?.
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, Oh! They were drinking, huh??! The chief continues, Okay, were they doing anything else?
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Microsoft Corp today announced that they would purchase the source the
PenPoint operating system for the value of one of Bill Gates eye-lashes
(est. value $1.3 million). Gates was quoted as saying we are only doing
what the consumer has asked us to do: ship huge, bloated, bug-ridden
programs while using every trick in the book to kill our competitors. As an
example of our progress, consider Windows CE which paints the screen slower
on a 75 MHz MIPS RISC processor than the 16 MHz 68000 in the Palm Pilot,
while sucking the batteries dry in a tenth of the time.
Third shift at the Waffle House.