La maestra, furiosa, se dirige a Jaimito, quien no aprobó el examen sobre los huesos del cuerpo humano:
“Jaimito, ¿asà que tenemos 2 tibias en la misma pierna?â€
“No, maestra, lo que pasa es que como no sé cuál es la tibia y cuál el peroné; asà solo tendré una mal y no dos.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. Of course, my son, said the priest.
Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.
Thats a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, said the priest.
Its worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors, continued the old man.
Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, said the priest.
Thanks, Father, said the old man.; Thats a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?
Of course, my son, said the priest. The old man asked, Do I need to tell her that the war is over?
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. Ill bet you $10 hell jump, said the first guy. Bet you $10 he wont, said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
I cant take your money, said the first guy. I cheated you. The same story was on the five oclock news. No, no. Take it, said the second guy. I saw the five oclock news too. I just didnt think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!
On a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of soap:
Directions: use like regular soap.
On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.
On packaged Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On a packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently dont know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules arent followed:
Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you dont follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you dont want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Dont sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.
Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said, All Ive got is two twenties. The robber took them and left.
Dont advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the tellers car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
Dont be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out not to mention severe burns in sensitive places – as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?
Shr thought her pad had wings!
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What did the Policeman say to his Nipples?
A: Your under a vest.
Bhola went to a carpenter and said, Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?
Hmm… mused the carpenter. It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?
Well, you see, said Bhola, my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.