A rabbi went to a hotel.It was the only hotel in the town, and they had only a room available,
but it was kept for a priest, since a week before.
Entering the hotel, the priest hears the rabbi
insisting for a room, approach him and politely
propose him to share the room.There were two beds,
so it was enough space for both.Finely, the rabbi
agrees and they slept in the same room that night.
In the morning the priest say to the rabbi:You
know,I had a very strange dream last night.I dreamed I was in the jewish heaven.It was
almost dark, the streets were dirty,the people
were very poor dressed and they ate some soup
every day, oh, my god,it was terrible!
The rabbi say:That is odd,because last
night I dreamed I was in the christian heaven.
It was wonderful, the sky was so blue, and the grass was green,the birds were singing happy songs,there were rivers of milkn honey,the trees
were full of tasty fruits, but it was ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IN THERE
Because sheep would be too obvious!
Q1: How can you tell if a blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres writing on the white-out.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blondes boyfriend?
A: Hes the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: Debbie…thats cute. What did you name the other one ?
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didnt like it cos she couldnt get channel 9….
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I dont know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why dont blondes make Jello?
A: They cant figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why dont blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they cant get their head in the jar.
Q: Why dont blondes eat bananas?
A: They cant find the zipper.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
There was a teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals.
She showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, It has a long neck. One kid answered, Giraffe!
Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra.
Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. This animal has stripes. Zebra! one kid answered.
So she put up another one, that of a deer.
The teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she came up with one!..she asked them what does your mother call your father?
Suddenly one child got up and answered HORNY BASTARD!
I see you bought a new car. Whats the make?
A Perndle.
Ive never heard of a Perndle before.
Me neither, but thats what it says, right over the steering wheel: P-R-N-D-L.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, Youve got to hold the club like you hold your husbands organ.
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and well go for distance.
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, I didnt know I had one of THOSE!
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthers evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them not to do it and ask them not to give in to sin. Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didnt know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage ditch. Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting Redrum! Redrum! in your best groggy voice.
12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan Ohhhh, um, uh-oh, and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain ditch for all to see.
13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.
15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage ditch, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.
16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of Old McDonald Had A Farm, making the sound of the animal in their stall.
17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they dont tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds — including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.
19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.
21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim Ohmigosh…do you know what these words REALLY mean?
22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.
23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.
24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.
25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT…).
26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.
27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.
28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.
29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an Mmmm! sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
31. Hang Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.
32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
33. Stare at peoples feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.
34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout Im coming for you, Moby! Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.
35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN theyll pay
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, Old MacDonald had a ________.
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question?
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.
Oh yeah, said Bubba. I remember now.
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys shoulder again, he whispered, Tiny, how do you spell farm?
You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.