… every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS … Universe halted
COFFEE.EXE missing – insert cup and press any key.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
Best file compression utility around: DEL *.* = 100% compression.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM halted … Cereal Port not Responding.
C:Bad command or file name: Go stand in the corner.
Why doesnit DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename?
… File not found. Should I fake it (Y/N)
Ethernet (n). something used to catch the Etherbunny.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)
SENILE.COM found … Out of Memory
Whois General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS … Come in DOS … do you copy? Shell to DOS
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
This old lady walks into the Doctors office and says, Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. Its not really a social problem, because you cant smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.
The Doctor nods his head and says, Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.
The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still cant hear them, but now they smell horrible!
The Doctor again nods his head and says, Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now lets work on your hearing.
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the mans trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, You shouldnt do that. Hell never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!.
The blind man retorted, Im not rewarding him. Im just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry,
Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …
… (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
An American paratrooper jumped out of a plain. But his parachute did not open. Falling to the ground he saw a black dot moving towards him. He didnt know what it was, until he recognized a man.
Hello he shouted Im Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?
Nice to meet you the man replied Im Sjefke (Belgian). But sorry, I dont know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens?
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
What has 98 legs & 23 teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, OK.
Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!
Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!
Knock-Knock
Whos there?
cash!
cash who?
No, darling I prefer peanuts.
Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.