Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bella!
Bella who?
Bella bottom trousers!

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.

Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.

But what about the smell? the friend asked.

Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Se realiza anualmente una convención mundial de ecos y en una ronda estaban un chino, un brasilero y un cordobés. Entonces el chino comenta:

Allá en China hay una cueva en la que gritas ¡VIVA CHINA! y como 500 voces te responden ¡VIVA CHINA!

Luego dice el brasilero:

En Brasil hay una cueva en la que gritas ¡VIVA BRASIL! y como 1000 voces te responden ¡VIVA BRASIL!

Y ahí salta el cordobés y dice:

Allá en Córdoba hay una grutita chiquita en la que vos gritas ¡VIVA CORDOBA! y como 50 voces te responden ¡DEJA CULIAR TRANQUILO!

A man named Fred owned a parrot that hardly ever stoped talking. One day the man was going to have an old friend over so he told the parrot to be quiet or else he would flush him. The parrot kept talking and the man warned him again. It didnt work. The parrot kept right on talking. The man took the parrot and flushed him down the toilet. When Freds friend arived he asked if he could use the bathroom. Fred said sure it is the first door on the right. When the man comes out he asks Fred if he has a tape player in the bathroom. Fred says no and than asks why. The man tells Fred that he heard something say I see your heini, looks so shiny. So Fred and his friend go in there and Fred sees his parrot going in circles singing Floatin Down The River On A Big Brown Log

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

Do you realize what time it is? she asked.



He answered, Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house.



Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, What did you buy for the house, dear?



His answer was, A round of drinks!

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

yo mama so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book.

What do Michael Jackson and a PS2 have in common?

They are both made out of plastic and little kids turn them on.

Yo mama so fat that she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.

A man come into the ER yelling, My wifes going to have her baby in the cab! The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the ladys dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and its obvious that hes in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients chest wall. Big breaths, instructed the nurse. Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a massive internal fart.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. Again, a flawless read. Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, Youre not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!

During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?, asked the doctor The patch, he replied, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and Ive run out of places to put it! The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldnt see …Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long since you have been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered, Why, not for about twenty years …when my husband was still alive.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, So hows your breakfast this morning? Its very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I cant get used to the taste, the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled KY Jelly.