A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."You must be an engineer" says the balloonist."I am" replies the man. "How did you know.""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone."The man below says "you must be in management.""I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well," says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."
Special Report from Rooterz Newz Service, Palm Beach, CA
The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and death of Michael Kennedy in
tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.
The ominous parallels cant be denied:
William Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO.
Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA.
An Aspen is a kind of tree.
The word Tahoe is Native American for tree.
Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ Kennedy at the last Republican.
Kennedy had a secretary named Loni–which rhymes, sort of, with Sonny.
Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just share.
Bono was once married to Cher.
Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself.
After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized Mayor and then Congressman.
Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl.
Bono had a daughter named, ironically, Chastity.
These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree Theory: the idea that in fact there werent two individual trees involved, but rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who would have a reason to target both of these men? The obvious answer is the powerful enforcement arm of the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50s, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bonos House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono. But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man? When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, I dont know what the heck youre talking about.
Indeed!
Thanx to Douglas V Taylor.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The disturbance turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. Whats more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, Ill bet that youre also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.
The giant nodded.
If I had some chains, the deputy continued, you could show us how strong you really are. But all Ive got is a set of handcuffs. Why dont you see just how quickly you can break out of them?
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. I cant get out of these, the giant growled.
Are you sure? the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. Nope, he replied. I cant do it.
In that case, said the deputy, youre under arrest.
Dos gays se encuentran y uno le dice al otro:
Estoy aburrido, hay que jugar a algo.
El otro le responde:Juguemos a las espadas.
Entonces los dos se bajan los pantalones y con las vainas arriba empiezan a jugar.
Después de un rato uno se voltea, se agacha y le dice al otro:
Ya me aburrÃ, ¡mátame!
Theres this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, if I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit! Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen. The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, I dont know what youre laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.
This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. Ha Ha said the other guy, were out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing. No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guys delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, you want to try this? His friend looks at the fish then at him and says well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye.
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayors office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldnt think the term New York City Hospitality Committee is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.
3. Miss Salt Lake for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
Dont look at me in that tone of voice!