Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Orange!

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didnt say Banana!

A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D – DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

E – EMPTY NEST: See WISHFUL THINKING.

F – FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G – GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H – HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I – INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J – JUNK: Dads stuff.

K – KISS: Moms medicine.

L – LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M – MAYBE: No.

N – Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

O – OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.

P – PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Q – QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

R – REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S – SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

T – TOWELS: See FLOOR COVERINGS.

U – UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V – VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W – WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X – XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

Y – YIPPEE!: What mothers shout the first day of school.

Z – ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! Hes going to really be ticked if its not ready on time.
When she gets home, she realizes she doesnt have enough time to go to the supermarket,and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. Youre going to kill him! they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died .
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?
The wife stoically replied, I didnt kill him! He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself.

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of
fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the
garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not
going to cut it off are you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, Nope.
You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.

I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

Thats a shame. said his friend , How did it happen?

She wouldnt eat the fucking mushrooms!

La madre de tres hijas les pregunta a cada una cómo tienen el miembro sus respectivos esposos.

La primera anuncia que su esposo lo tiene largo pero delgado; a lo que la madre responde:

Eso es elegancia, hija.

La segunda responde que su marido lo tiene gordo pero corto; a lo que la mamá declara:

Eso es potencia, hija.

La tercera informa, con ternura, que su hombre lo tiene largo y gordo; la madre manifiesta:

¡Eso es verga, mhija.

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.



So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.



Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal the salesman said.



What makes him so special? the man asked.



The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chets right foot, and Chet started to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells.. and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing Deck the halls…



So the man asked, What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?

Well I dont know answered the salesman.



So he holds the lighter between the parrots legs and instantly Chet began to sing…

Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars.

Why, does the parrot cost so much? asks the man. The owner says, Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.



The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.



Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and



is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, What can it do?



To which the owner replies, To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!

The Last Ones Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.