Old and New Jokes

…took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

It is better to rule in hell, then to serve in Heaven.

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says I think Im the most beautiful woman on Earth Poof- the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says I think Im the sexiest woman on Earth Poof – the mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says I think…….. Poof!!

Whats six inches long and guaranteed to give British Jewish women pleasure?


A ten pound note

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign..
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, School
Ahead, Go Slow.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of … Black November;

Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day youll get six meals instead of just three,

And soon youll be thick, where once you were thin,
And youll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

And then one morning, when youre warm in your bed,
Inll burst the farmers wife, and hack off your head;

Then shell pluck out all your feathers so youre bald n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin in the sink;

And then comes the worst part he said not bluffing,
Shell spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
Id have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now Im a pet in the farmers wifes lap;
I havent a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said Christmas is coming …

[Thanks to Dick Wells]

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear? So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man. Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didnt, so I want my money back! While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him: Man 1: Look at this guy! He is mad! Man 2: Yeah! Hes almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim

In a small town in the U.S., there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous … or what?

Not at all, Maam, the manager replied. It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and dont pout when I yell at them.

A man enters the saloon and asks, Who is the chap named Miller?!

I am Miller, answers an old man sitting at the bar.

The man at the door walks to Mr. Miller and knocks him down. Then he leaves the
saloon. Mr. Miller rises, sits on his chair again and starts laughing.

Why are you laughing? asks the bar keeper. I would not find it funny to get
knocked down.

I played a prank upon him, answers the old man. My name is not Miller.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marietta!
Marietta who?
Marietta whole cake!