Old and New Jokes

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you dont know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, dont panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!

The teacher replied, Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate.

Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, Youre an eight, but if you had bigger tits, youd be a ten!!!

Una señora lleva a su hija adolescente al ginecólogo. La madre le dice al doctor que a

su hija le pica mucho en sus partes genitales, y el doctor, tras una exploración, le dice que su hija tiene los genitales como el capuchón de un bolígrafo.

La madre, sorprendida, le pregunta: ¿azul?

Y el doctor le dice: No, no, ¡todo mordisqueado!

SHARING A DONKEY

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was
riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story; If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye.

Y2K Ballad



(sing to the tune of Gilligans Island)



Just sit right back and youll hear a tale

Of the doom that is our fate.

That started when programmers used

Two digits for a date

Two digits for a date



RAM memory was smaller then;

Hard drives were tiny, too.

Four digits are extravagant,

So lets get by with two.

So lets get by with two.



This works through 1999,

The programmers did say.

Unless we write new code by then

The data goes away.

The data goes away.



But management had not a clue;

It works fine now, you bet!

Rewriting code cost money,

We wont do it just yet.

We wont do it just yet.



Now when 2000 rolls around

It all goes straight to hell,

For zero less then ninety-nine,

As anyone can tell.

As anyone can tell.



The mail wont bring your pension check;

It wont be sent to you

When youre no longer sixty-eight

But minus thirty-two.

But minus thirty-two.



The problems were about to face

Are frightening, for sure.

And reading every line of codes

The only certain cure.

The only certain cure.



[[ key change, the big finish coming]]



Theres not much time, theres too much code,

And COBOL-coders, few.

When the century is finished,

We may be finished, too.

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, Honey, Do you remember this?

He looks up at her and says, Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.



She says, Yes, thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?



He nods and says, Yes dear, I still remember.



Well, what was it? she asks.



He responds, Well honey, as I remember, I said, Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, Im going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out!



She giggles and says, Yes honey, thats it. Thats exactly what you said. So, now its 50 years later, Im in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?



Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, Mission Accomplished.

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

The man below says, Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.



You must be an engineer, says the balloonist.



I am. How did you know?



Everything you told me is technically correct, but its of no use to anyone.



The man below says, You must be in management.



I am. But how did you know?



You dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.

There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.
She said, well sir Im not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I wont push any buttons.

So she tells him go ahead,just dont push any buttons. So he goes in there hes sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind.He thinks wow that felt good, Ill press the red button.So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital. He looks up at the flight attendant and she says you pushed the green button didnt you?

He knods.. He said What happened? She said The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave, how ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. Oh no, says Dave. Hes on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.

No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.!

Gay rights.