Old and New Jokes

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

Drool.

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?

That would suit me just fine!!! the man said.

Monday went by and the man didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday passed as well with no sight of his wife.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her just little out of corner of his left eye.

A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide competition.

What are you going to do with the money? asked the policeman.

Well, I guess Im going to get a drivers license, he answered.

Oh, dont listen to him, yelled a woman in the passenger seat. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, I knew we wouldnt get far in a stolen car.

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, Are we over the border yet?

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, He gave you the bird!"

Heard on PBS last week:

Nearly 600,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy each year.

bill davidsen

Q: Why do blondes have periods?

A: They deserve them.

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says Did you know you were speeding back there.

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said He said I was speeding. The officer then said Where are you from?

The man replied Chicago

The wife then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said, He wanted to know where we came from.

The officer then said Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.

The lady then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns back and says He says he thinks he knows you.

Q: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

A: The taste.

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided


that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, Well


Leroy, it isnt Christmas and we dont have the money to just go out and buy


you anything you want. So why dont you write a letter to Jesus and pray for


one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He


finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,


Ive been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,


Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he


ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,


Ive been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,


Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasnt totally honest, so he tore it up and tried


again.

Dear Jesus,


Ive thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his


mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of


almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and


went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the


way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally


found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt


down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got


up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of


a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it


under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,


Ive got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,


You know who