Old and New Jokes

How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Whats the difference between a vaccum cleaner and a motorcycle?

A motorcycle can hold two dirtbags.

Words can not describe the deep feelings I have for you …
But Bitch comes pretty close.

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep.

The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep… You wake him up.

The exhausted clerk had pulled down blanket after blanket from the shelf, but still the woman customer was not satisfied.

There is one more blanket left, said the clerk. Do you care to see it?

Im not going to buy one today, said the woman. I have only been looking for a friend.

Well, said the clerk,Ill take the last one down if you think your friend might be in it.

A couple of definitions from the Devils Dictionary:

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden theres a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, “Im sorry, our first engine has just shut off. Well be delayed 45 minutes.”
Then theres another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that the second engine shut down and that theyll be delayed nearly two hours.
After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off well be up here all day.”

Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could cause personal injury. Recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for such a task.

Surgeon Generals Warning: Dont take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.

Surgeon Generals Warning: 100% pure tax.

Surgeon Generals Warning: No matter how hard you try, youll never look as cool as Bogart.

Surgeon Generals Warning: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial features.

Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

Surgeon Generals Warning: If you actually wear the free clothing you get from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.

Surgeon Generals Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.

Surgeon Generals Warning: Keith Richards is a fluke.

Surgeon Generals Wwarning: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking can cause you to lead a pathetic existence sitting in a smelly designated smoking area at your job, freezing your cajones off in the middle of winter.

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty,
the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden,
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, Oh no! That must be your husband coming home.

And the wife replies, No. Hes off in the Navy for six months.

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal the salesman said.

What makes him so special? the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chets right foot, and Chet started to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells.. and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing Deck the halls…

So the man asked, What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?
Well I dont know answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrots legs and instantly Chet began to sing…
Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love you

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je Taime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas,

Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky. . . . . . . . Nice Tits