Old and New Jokes

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldnt find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my
life and give up tequila.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said Never mind. I found one!

AOL:

America Online, this is Sue speaking.



Caller:

Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.



AOL:

Okay, maam, whats your question?



Caller:

Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called cybersex… does this cost extra?



AOL:

:::quiet laugh in the background::: Well maam… I dont know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.



Caller:

Oh really? My friends said

they got it from AOL.



AOL:

Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.



Caller:

Hmmmm…I dont understand, what is cybersex??



AOL:

Im sorry, I really dont

know how to explain it.



Caller:

Hmmm..well, have you

ever had cybersex?



AOL:

Maam, I dont think thats an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?



Caller:

Sorry, like I said I dont even

know what it is.



AOL:

Thats okay maam,

anything else?



Caller:

Yes, I have one more question.



AOL:

Go ahead…



Caller:

What are you wearing?



AOL:

click

Two good ol boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Bubba says, Hey, Junior – theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in and have us a drank.

But wes privates, protests Junior.

NO, wes sergeants now, says Bubba, pulling him inside

Now, Junior, Im gonna sit down and have me a drank.

But, wes privates, says Junior.

You blind, boy! says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. Wes Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

Youre cute, she says, and Id like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If its good, give me the okay sign.

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Junior, he says, What you give me the okay for?!

Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, But wes Sergeants now!

Q: Why dont they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because hes Haydn!

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you dont know where the light bulb is.

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you dont have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them…..

1. No, I dont care who you are. 2. No, I dont care who you know. 3. Yes… you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes… you CAN have my job. 5. No, I dont have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I cant give you a break. 9. No, I dont know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, Im sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we cant talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

The Ebonic Lords Prayer

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done
In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us
dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil
Cause you always be da Man

A San Francisco tourist is taking a stroll through Golden Gate Park when he’s attacked by three horny sailors.

They strip him, tie him over a tree branch so he can’t move and butt fuck him repeatedly, then leave him tied-up and helpless.

Hours later he spies a policeman through the trees and calls for help.

The cop strolls over.

Well Hello! What have we here? the cop asks.

The poor tourist quickly relates his ordeal with the sailors.

Really?, says the cop, “It’s not your day for uniforms . . . as the cop unzips his fly,. . . now is it sir?

Con motivo de las elecciones presidenciales en varios países de Latinoamérica, Naciones Unidas ha designado a un grupo de veedores, de distintas partes del mundo, para controlar que el acto se lleve a cabo con total transparencia.

A continuación la lista de los veedores:

Alemania: Herr Doktor Otto von Frauden.

Arabia Saudita: Elim Postor.

Brasil: T. del Falcao do Nascimento.

China: Chan Chu Yo.

Corea del Norte: Chin Guen Guen Son.

Corea del Sur: Kuan Do No.

Cuba: Silvio Panada.

España: Paco R. Ovando.

Francia: Pierre Delvotto.

Grecia: Hurto Sinescroupoulos y Akylos Transo.

Holanda: T. Van Aestaffar.

India: Gandhi Sima Farsa.

Israel: Abraham Urnas.

Italia: Massimo Atraco.

Japón: Tekito Tuboto.

Líbano: Mestafa Al-Votar.

Panamá: Many Puleo.

Portugal: Santiago de Trampinha.

República Checa: Ivana Jodernos.

Rumania: Robele Sinolopescu.

Rusia: Ivana Timar.

Uganda: Amin Mewele Alomimo.

Estados Unidos: Johnny Miro

Microsofts ad slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today?



Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:



1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.



2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!



3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.



4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.



5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.



6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.



7. Error #152 – Windows not found:

(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.



8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better



9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.



10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.



11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.



12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!



13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.



14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.



15. How do you want to crash today?