Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock

Whos there?



Freeze



Freeze Who?



For hes a jolly good fellow.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read stop clean bathroom.

1.He had only one major publication
2.And it was in Hebrew
3.And it had no references
4.And it was not published in a refereed journal
5.And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6.It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9.He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11.When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12.He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
13.He has his son teach the class.
14.He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15.Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16.His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

[Ed: Apparently Gene Spafford first posted this in early 1984]

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and
tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the
days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts–not the current situation, where the Wild West
means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at
the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up
fights and didnt skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he
(Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: If you
ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save
what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of
town as fast as you can.

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was
told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills
and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the
most dangerous guy theyd ever heard of and few had ever encountered
him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then
promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at
full speed, yelling, Martins coming! Head for the hills! The result
was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses
and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy
because he didnt believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just
put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and
waited.

He didnt wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred
looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride
down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had
ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off
the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees)
and bellowed, Wait here til I get back! The fellow turned and walked
up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions
on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly,
hollering, You pussycats stay here til Im done! The cats fearfully
sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he
passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle
of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor
Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy
looked down over the bar and roared, What the hell do you think youre
looking at!?

Fred managed to say, N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another
bottle of Red Eye?

To which the fellow replied, Hell no! I dont have time! I gotta get
out of here–Mad Martins coming!

The fellow in the office next to mine recently acquired an office accessory
(a rather large letter holder) which came in a cardboard box on which was
printed, in inch-high capital letters,

THANKS FOR BUYING AN AMERICAN-MADE PRODUCT.

To underscore the point, the unmistakable silhouette of the Statue of Liberty
was printed just to the left of the slogan.

Do you think the folks who chose the Statue of Liberty for this appeal to
patriotism remembered where the Statue of Liberty itself was made?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?Adam and Eve said, Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.And it was a good animal.And God was pleased.And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.And God was pleased.And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.And God said, No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.And Cat would not obey them.And when Adam and E

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?

The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.

Wonderful, said the psychiatrist.

Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.

Definitely, said the psychiatrist.

Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.

Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor.

And finally, if none of these things appeals to me…

I can always continue to be a teakettle!

DEAR ABBEY – I HAVE A PROBLEM I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.

Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this…


If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise …

A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out, Watch out for the wall!!!

There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts,

WHOOOSSHHHHH….

No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts,

WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH……..

Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,

PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH…

The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, STRAIGHT.