There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 – What are you thinking?
2 – Do you love me?
3 – Do I look fat?
4 – Do you think she is prettier than me?
5 – What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 – What are you thinking? The proper answer to this question, of course is, Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you. Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Football
b – Baseball
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. If I wanted you to know, Al said, Id be talking instead of thinking.
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 – Do you love me? The correct answer to this question is, Yes. For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by love.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?
3 – Do I look fat? The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, No, of course not and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldnt call you fat, but I wouldnt call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – Ive seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 – Do you think shes prettier than me? The she in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, No, you are much prettier. Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I dont know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that shes younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 – What would you do if I died? Correct answer: Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Dominos Pizza truck that came my way. This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
Dear, said the wife. What would you do if I died?
Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband. Why do you ask such a question?
Would you remarry? persevered the wife.
No, of course not, dear said the husband.
Dont you like being married? said the wife.
Of course I do, dear he said.
Then why wouldnt you remarry?
Alright, said the husband, Id remarry.
You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
Yes said the husband.
Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.
Well yes, I suppose I would. replied the husband.
I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my old clothes?
I suppose, if she wanted to said the husband.
Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?
Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.
Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose youd let her play with my golf clubs, too.
Of course not, dear, said the husband. Shes left-handed.
Q :What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
A : Their last big hit was The Wall
X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where
Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
When you drive you put your life in your foots hands.
- I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to pack, then take two 70-pound boxes along to the airport. I checked them in, then sat on the plane for an hour before takeoff. Just after we were in the air, I realized that I left my car in front of the airport doors (loading zone).
- I work for a TV news network. A co-worker left keys in our van at the airport. The van and $200,000 worth of equipment mysteriously vanished.
- Flew to Hartford, arrived midnight. Rental car not reserved. Took a cab to hotel, room not reserved. Went to client next day. They were expecting someone else. My Pointy-Haired Boss had sent me by mistake. Flew home.
- Trip to Microsoft labs in Redmond WA. Travel booked to Redmond Oregon, middle of nowhere. No car, no hotel, no MS lab!
- When arriving at our hotel in Miami, PHB informs me that he has booked only one room for both of us. He says its more cost effective that way.
- The maid set off the fire sprinkler in my hotel room while I was out. Luckily I had a watertight suitcase. Too bad Id left it open – I came back to find my only suit floating in 6 feet of filthy water.
- I went to L.A. from D.C. for an ultra-critical customer demo. The Pointy-Haired Marketing Idiot checked equipment as baggage because its heavy. It went to Des Moines. It showed up three days late after having been impaled on a forklift.
- Believing our shipping dept – they said that my parts would be onsite in another city.
- I backed-up the car on my laptop in the customers parking lot.
- PHB to Coworker: Okay, hand me the presentation.
Coworker to me: Um, I dont have it. Do you have it?
Me to PHB: No. Do you have it?
PHB: Oh, no. Its on my desk. (In Omaha – were in Miami.) - Two co-workers of mine were crossing the US-Mexico border (legitimately) with their rental car. The border police chased them down. Apparently, they had rented a car that had previously been used to smuggle drugs across the border…
- On a trip to Toronto from the U.S., my boss had a problem with his ticket while boarding the plane. He turned to me and said, Boy, whats a terrorist have to do to get out of the country nowadays?
- Taking a customer for a meal, I found my company credit card was cancelled. The customer paid for the meal. There was no answer at the company phone the next day. Yep, the company had been seized and the slime-ball PHB didnt let on when he saw me off.
- The CEO wrote checks to cover conference attendance for everyone. Then he spent the money out from under the checks and they bounced. Now the organizers are suing the individual attendees.
- The travel agent (assigned by company) had me fly to Cleveland when my destination was 10 minutes outside of Toledo. I flew 90 minutes and spent four hours in the car both ways. Toledo is only 3 1/2 hours from my house.
- Your flight got grounded in a blizzard in Montreal and your bags went to Bermuda.
- I wound up sitting next to the PHB on a long flight. He proceeded to read (AT) me our entire report, which I had helped prepare, at the top of his lungs.
- I agreed to meet a potential employer on a flight to a convention that we were both attending so he could interview me on the way. I didnt realize that my PHB decided to go at the last minute and was seated one row behind us!
- I flew to Texas for a job interview. When I arrived, a hurricane was raging in the Gulf. At my motel, there was a palm tree in the pool and the concierge was relocating everyone on the first floor to the second floor due to flooding.
- Biggest disaster for my boss: The client I was meeting with offered me a job with much more money. I called in my resignation after three days in the hotel at company expense.
Dilbert©1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.
(According to reliable sources this is a true story.)
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM THE SECRET ARCHIVE FILES RETAINED AT NASA. NOT TO BE
RELEASED TO THE PRESS.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual COM traffic between him,
the other Astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he
made the enigmatic remark, Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut. However through the years and upon checking the records, there was no
Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many
colleagues have questiones him as to what the Good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement
meant.
On July 5th, 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a
briefing, an official from the Space program brought up the 26-year-old question
to Mr. Armstrong, he finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died early
in April this year and so Armstrong felt that he could answer the question.
When he was a child, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which travelled approximately 500 meters
and landed in front of his neighbours bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky, it was Neil Armstrong who jumped over their fence and found the
baseball, as he leaned down to pick the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky, Oral sex? Oral sex you want? Youll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!
Two Orthodox Jews went to Markus Pincus the tailor for new suits.
Listen, Markus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.
See this cloth?†Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth. After a few minutes of haggling, Markus was able to convince the two Rabbis that this was indeed black cloth and they negotiated a price.
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. He muttered something to his friend and they both walked off, much to the shock of the two nuns.
What did that man want? one nun asked the other.
It was very strange, she replied, he looked at my garment, whispered something in Latin and left.
What did he say?
He said, Markus Pincus Fucktus.
10. Youre sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or
without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a sure thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. Youre expected to fall asleep after dinner.
And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better
than sex:
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER
dinner.
Just heard this morning on Michael Feldmans What do you know? national radio show:
Bushs proposed argument for the U.S. Supreme court is I was only kidding when I said the Federal Government should not get involved with internal State matters.