Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.They looked at the third man and he said, I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.The man replied, Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, Come out and fight like a man!
01
Apr
01
Apr
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldnt bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. Im gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand So, says the second drunk, whats your point? Well, says the first, Im just wondering how much stronger Im gonna get!
19
Mar
How do you sink an [ethnic] submarine?
You knock on the door.
19
Mar
A four-legged dinner with its own barcode.
19
Mar
Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a
goat?
19
Mar
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!
19
Mar
Drool.
19
Mar
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?
That would suit me just fine!!! the man said.
Monday went by and the man didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday passed as well with no sight of his wife.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her just little out of corner of his left eye.
19
Mar
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide competition.
What are you going to do with the money? asked the policeman.
Well, I guess Im going to get a drivers license, he answered.
Oh, dont listen to him, yelled a woman in the passenger seat. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, I knew we wouldnt get far in a stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, Are we over the border yet?
19
Mar
One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, He gave you the bird!"