Old and New Jokes

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

Hit him again Doc, Hit him again! the 5 yr. old said.

He shouldnt have crawled up there in the first place!!

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, Have you been fooling around with the waitress?! Oh no, sir, I sure havent, replied the bartender.

The boss replied, Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!

Tres hombres viajan en un tren: un riojano, un valenciano y un turolense.

De pronto, va el riojano y tira 100 o 200 litros de vino.

El turolense le pregunta:

¿Por qué tiras tanto vino por la ventanilla?

Porque en mi tierra hay así (gesto de muchos).

Después, el valenciano tira 100 o 200 kilos de naranjas.

El turolense le pregunta:

¿Por qué tiras tantas naranjas por la ventanilla?

Porque en mi tierra hay así.

Entonces, va el turolense y tira al valenciano por la ventanilla.

Y le dice el riojano:

¿Por qué lo has tirado?

Porque en mi tierra hay así.

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him. The General manager is setting there thinking: I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped and hit me! The young woman was sitting and thinking: Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him! The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

Yom Kippur is the one day of the year when the Jewish people fast.
Levy was surprised to see Cohen eating in a restaurant – and oysters
yet! Oysters? On Yom Kippur? queried Levy with raised eyebrows.
Whats wrong? answered Cohen. Yom Kippur has an R in it.

-Joey Adams

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jennys father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.. Smith replies, Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live? Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies In Jennys room. Its bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, Okay then how will you live? Youre not old enough to get a job. Youll need to support Jenny. Again, Johnny instantly replies, Our allowance…Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. Thats about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine. By this time Mr.. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wont have an answer to. After a second, Mr.. Smith says, Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own? Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, weve been lucky so far…

While in a Houston bars restroom, my co-worker saw the following
scrawled on a condom machine:

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a mans leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that hes recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

Second surgeon: Thats really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. Hes so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and hes so good hes putting this entire country out of work!

Earth has finally established contact with an alien civilization. The Council of Nations has sent a group of 6 scientists (of various nationalities) to the pre-decided rendezvous point. The aliens, weird beings with antennae, arrive at about the same time.

The discussion between the scientists and the aliens proceeds. It turns to the topic of sex. The aliens (and of course the scientists) wish to know how reproduction takes place.

The aliens agree to demonstrate first. One of the aliens looks like it is about to collapse, vibrates strongly and at an increasing speed, a humming sound ensues and Lo and Behold! there is a little alien between all of them!

The scientists had not discussed what to do in the present situation.

Two of them, in the interest of science, agree to demonstrate. They retreat into their capsule, followed by the aliens. They proceed to take off their clothes and demonstrate in full vigour.

A few minutes later, the aliens and the fully clothed scientists emerge from the capsule. One of the aliens, unable to suppress its curiosity, asks, Where is the little Earthling?

A scientist replies, Oh! You have to wait for 9 months for that.

The aliens confer among each other. After a hurried calculation they ask, If you have to wait so long for the little one, why hurry in the end?