Old and New Jokes

Heard on PBS last week:

Nearly 600,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy each year.

bill davidsen

Q: Why do blondes have periods?

A: They deserve them.

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says Did you know you were speeding back there.

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said He said I was speeding. The officer then said Where are you from?

The man replied Chicago

The wife then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said, He wanted to know where we came from.

The officer then said Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.

The lady then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns back and says He says he thinks he knows you.

Q: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

A: The taste.

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided


that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, Well


Leroy, it isnt Christmas and we dont have the money to just go out and buy


you anything you want. So why dont you write a letter to Jesus and pray for


one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He


finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,


Ive been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,


Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he


ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,


Ive been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,


Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasnt totally honest, so he tore it up and tried


again.

Dear Jesus,


Ive thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his


mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of


almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and


went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the


way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally


found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt


down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got


up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of


a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it


under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,


Ive got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,


You know who

How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Whats the difference between a vaccum cleaner and a motorcycle?

A motorcycle can hold two dirtbags.

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep.

The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep… You wake him up.

A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden theres a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, “Im sorry, our first engine has just shut off. Well be delayed 45 minutes.”
Then theres another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that the second engine shut down and that theyll be delayed nearly two hours.
After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off well be up here all day.”

Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could cause personal injury. Recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for such a task.

Surgeon Generals Warning: Dont take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.

Surgeon Generals Warning: 100% pure tax.

Surgeon Generals Warning: No matter how hard you try, youll never look as cool as Bogart.

Surgeon Generals Warning: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial features.

Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

Surgeon Generals Warning: If you actually wear the free clothing you get from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.

Surgeon Generals Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.

Surgeon Generals Warning: Keith Richards is a fluke.

Surgeon Generals Wwarning: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking can cause you to lead a pathetic existence sitting in a smelly designated smoking area at your job, freezing your cajones off in the middle of winter.