Old and New Jokes

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didnt think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says, Listen, I dont want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

This law has been intentionally left blank.

To look in the sky and see stars.

Yo mama so fat that when she wore yellow clothes, a pedestrian yelled Yo, taxi!

A young lady is sitting on top of a pier with no arms and no legs. A man walks past her, and she cries.

The man goes up to her and asks her whats wrong. She says that she has never been hugged before, so he hugs her and walks off.

As he walks, the lady cries again. The man goes up to her and asks again whats wrong with her. She says she has never been kissed, so he kisses her and walks off.

She starts to sob now, so the man walks back and asks again. She says I have never been screwed before. So he picks her up, and throws her off the side, and says now your screwed.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?

He signs his name under cause of death!

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

1… Combating Stupidity

2… You, Too, Can Do Housework

3… PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4… How to Fill an Ice Tray

5… We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6… Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

7… Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled Dont Wash my Silks)

8… Parenting: No, It Doesnt End With Conception

9… Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10… How Not to Act Like an Asshole When Youre Obviously Wrong

11… Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12… Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13… You: The Weaker Sex

14… Reasons to Give Flowers

15. How to Stay Awake After Sex

16… Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

17… Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

18… You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

19… The Morning Dilemma if ITs awake: Take a Shower

20… Ill Wear it if I Damn Well Please

21… How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled No, Its Not a Bidet)

22… The Weekend and Sports are Not Synonyms

23… Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit

24… How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

25… The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

26… Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

27… Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

28… Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too

29… Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

30… You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

31… Seeing the True You (formerly titled No, You Dont Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked)

32… Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

33… The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary

34… Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

35… Techniques of Calling Home

36… Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

Q: Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: Its ass.

(This is a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun,crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.

A Passenger once asked the railway officer, Why do u keep the time-table for trains if they dont come on time?

The railway officer replied, How can we know that theyre late!!!