An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers.
When he says: Water boils at 90 degrees one of the soldiers dares to oppose: Sir, water boils at 100 degrees centigrade.
Are you sure?
I am sure, lieutenant.
Ill check it until the next lesson.
The next lesson the officer says: Soldiers, make a correction in your notes from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100 degrees. 90 degrees is right angle.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He cant see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q. What have working in Preston (a town in England) and a pubic hair on a toilet seat got in common?
A. Youre O.K for a while but then you get pissed off.
Why are womens feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does. The second woman giggled and confessed, I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft. The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, Say, what do you call your husband? She frowned and said, The postman. Why the postman?Because he always delivers late, and half the time its in the wrong box.
I absolutley hate sex on the television…..
I keep falling off!
A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, Oh, its Sunday night and my car broke down! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
Well, drawls the farmer, you can stay here, but I dont want you messin with my sons Jed and Luke.
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. Okay, she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?
They say, Huh?
She says, The only thing is, I dont want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers. She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, Luke?
Luke says, Yeah, Jed?
Jed says, You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?
Yeah, says Luke, I remember.
Well, do you care if she gets pregnant? asks Jed.
Nope, says Luke, I reckon not.
Me, neither, says Jed, Lets take these things off.
Un matrimonio cumple 25 años de casados y la esposa le pregunta al marido:
Mi amor, ¿qué me vas a regalar para nuestras bodas de plata?
Un viaje a China.
La mujer, sorprendida por la magnitud del regalo, le demanda:
Pero, mi amor, si para los 25 años me regalas esto, ¿qué vas a hacer para cuando cumplamos los 50?
Te voy a ir a buscar.
Un hombre tenÃa boletos para la final del mundial de futbol.
Cuando se sienta, un hombre se acerca y le pregunta si está ocupado el asiento junto a él.
No, está desocupado le contesta.
Asombrado el otro dice: Es increÃble, ¿quién en su sano juicio tiene un asiento como éste para la final del mundial, el evento más grande del mundo, y no lo usa?
El hombre lo mira y le dice: Bueno, en realidad el asiento es mÃo. Lo compre hace dos años. Se suponÃa que mi esposa me iba a acompañar, pero falleció. Éste es el Primer Mundial en el que no vamos a estar juntos desde que nos casamos en 1982.
Desconsolado el otro dice: ¡OH! Me da pena oÃr eso. Es terrible. ¿Pero, no pudo encontrar a alguien más? ¿Un amigo, o pariente, incluso un vecino para que usara el asiento?
El hombre niega con la cabeza mientras dice:
No… ¡todos están en el velorio!
Microsofts ad slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today?
Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :
1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?