Old and New Jokes

Theyve got that comfortable place on their shoulder thats perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

Theyre at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

Theyre enthusiastic about our bodies, even when were not.

Theyre beyond enthusiastic about sex.

They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.

Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They dont mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money – ours as well as theirs.

Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills – jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size.

How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.

How sexy their butts look in jeans.

How sexy their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out

Their ignorance is usually amusing

They have a great sense of competition

They can make great sex partners

They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet I love you Princess is added)

Though they often try to hide it, theyre very tenderhearted and caring

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we dont want them to

They dont care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be

They can be taught

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

It has two bytes and no memory.

Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, Come here quick, Charlie! Im paralyzed! I cant get up!

He comes in, takes a look, and says, Stand up, you silly old bat. Youre kneeling on one of your tits.

Jaimito se levanta por la noche, a las 3, para beber agua.

Al pasar por la puerta de sus padres, ve que está abierta y se asoma porque oye ruidos. Cuando observa lo que están haciendo sus padres, dice:

!HAY QUE JODERSE!… ¡¡¡Y a mí me llevan al psicólogo porque me chupo el dedo!!!

Un tipo recorría la carretera en su vehículo y de repente, a la orilla ve a un cerdito con una patita de palo. Asombrado, detuvo la marcha y se dijo, No lo puedo creer…

Se bajó del auto y se dirigió a un ranchito que estaba frente al animal, y le preguntó a un

campesino:

Disculpe la pregunta, buen hombre, ¿este cerdito es suyo?

Claro, ¿por qué?

Oiga, ¿le sucedió algo para que tenga una patita de palo?

Ahh… sí. Lo que sucede es que una de mis hijas, se encariñó mucho con él, y por eso nos lo estamos comiendo poquito a poco…

Llega un gangoso a una carnicería:

Ghuenhos dhias.

Buen día señor, ¿qué se le ofrece?

Hun khilhlo dhe mahujhanho.

¿Uh?

Unkhilho dhe mahujhanho.

No le entiendo señor.

hun khilho dhe mahujhanho pha dharlhe ha hun pherhfhorhd.

Disculpe pero no le puedo vender nada si no le entiendo.

Se marcha el gangoso, pero el carnicero decide contratar a un gangoso para poder vender a ese tipo de gente. Regresa el gangoso a los dos días.

Ghuenhos dhias.

Buen día, permítame.

Le habla al colega.

Bhuenhos dhias.

¡bhuenhos dhias!

Mhe dha hun khilhlo dhe mahujhano.

Mmm nho hay.

Ghazhias. (se va)

¡Ah! ¡cabron!, ¿le entendiste?

Sghi.

¿Y qué quería?

¡Hun khilho dhe mahujhanho!

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, Im tired, and its getting late. I think Ill go to bed.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next days lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, I thought you were going to bed.
Im on my way, she said.

She put some water into the dogs dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular Im going to bed, and he did.

Hold on to your nuts, this aint gonna be your typical blow job.