Old and New Jokes

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didnt believe her but she told him, Honey, Im a butcher. I should know.

But he still wouldnt listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, Honey, is everything okay. Youve been in there for a while.

He replied, Yeah, everythings fine.

5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, So did your guts come out like I said they would?

He replied, Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!

Jaimito corre a informarle a la madre:

Mamá, mamá, yo vi a papá haciendo algo con la sirvienta.

Sí, ¿y qué más?

Bueno, él la estaba besando y tocándola; luego fueron al despacho, la montó en el escritorio, le quitó la ropa interior y le metió el…

Bien, hijo, este domingo, en la cena familiar, se lo cuentas a todos para que lo sepan.

Llega el domingo por la noche, toda la familia está sentada dispuesta a cenar, y le dice la madre a Jaimito que lo cuente.

Mi papá estaba besando a la sirvienta y tocándola; luego se la llevó al despacho, la montó encima del escritorio, le quitó la ropa interior y le metió el… el… Mami, ¿cómo se llama lo que tú le chupas al chofer?

1. El Hombre Mamita deberá someterse a los caprichos de la Gobernadora de turno.

2. El Hombre Mamita debe ser orgullo de su Gobernadora ante sus amigas.

3. Para su participación en cualquier acto, sea este público o privado, el Hombre Mamita

deberá contar con la previa y expresa autorización de su Gobernadora.

4. La Declaración Universal de los Derechos Humanos no se hizo para el Hombre Mamita.

5. El Hombre Mamita no tiene opinión propia. Ante cualquier eventualidad debe consultar

a su Gobernadora.

6. El Hombre Mamita sólo tocará el control remoto de la tv para pasarlo a su Gobernadora.

7. Cualquier malestar, físico o mental, de la Gobernadora es culpa del Hombre Mamita.

8. El Hombre Mamita no apetecerá la Gobernadora ajena.

9. El Hombre Mamita nunca se burlará de otros Hombres Mamita en público.

10. El Hombre Mamita siempre estará orgulloso de ser Hombre Mamita.

Después de una larga enfermedad, una mujer muere y llega a los portones del Cielo.

Mientras espera por San Pedro, ella ve a través de las rejas a sus padres, amigos y todos los que habían partido antes que ella, sentados a una mesa, apreciando un banquete maravilloso.

Cuando San Pedro llega, ella le comenta:

¡Qué lugar tan lindo! ¿Cómo hago para entrar?

Yo voy a decir una palabra. Si usted la deletrea correctamente la primera vez, entra; si se equivoca, va directo para el infierno.

OK, ¿cuál es la palabra?

AMOR.

Ella la deletreó correctamente y pasó por los portones. Un año después, San Pedro le pidió

que vigilase los portones aquel día. Para su sorpresa, aparece su marido.

¡Hola! ¡Qué sorpresa! dice ella. ¿Cómo estás?

¡Ah!, pues he estado muy bien desde que falleciste. Me casé con aquella bella enfermera que te cuidó, gané la lotería y me hice millonario. Vendí la casa donde vivíamos y compré una mansión. Viajé con mi esposa por todo el mundo. Estábamos de vacaciones justamente cuando decidí ir a esquiar. Me caí… el esquí me cayó en la cabeza y aquí estoy. ¿Cómo hago para entrar?

Yo voy a decirte una palabra. Si la deletreas correctamente la primera vez puedes entrar, si no, vas directo al infierno.

OK, ¿cuál es la palabra?

SCHWARZENEGGER

A man goes to japan for a buiseness trip. The President of the buiseness is japenese and insist it is only right for the man to sleep with his wife. The man says no Im married. The boss insist though that he sleeps with his wife. So the man says, ok just tonight. Well all night the bosses wife is saying Muchaka, Muchaka. The next day the man and his boss are golfing. When they got to the eighteinth hole everything was going good and the boss was about to give the man a raise. The man got out his wood and took a shot. He got a hole and one. After the ball went in the bosses wife said Muchaka. The man said to his boss, your wife said Muchaka all last night and said it again just know. What does it mean? the boss replied.it means wrong hole.

1 Your mamas so fat she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!

2 Y.M.S.F her job is spoon and fork operator.



3 Y.M.S.F she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth



4 Y.M.S.F when she jumps she has to notify air-traffic control for permission to land



5 Y.M.S.F when she jumps Los Angeles has an earthquake!



6 Y.M.S.F the shadow of her ass weighs 200 pounds



7 Y.M.S.F she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.



8 Y.M.S.F she gave the hospital stretchmarks.



9 Y.M.S.F she has shock absorbers on her toilet seat. ?



Yo Mama so ugly when she got her drivers license they had to ask her whether she was a man or woman.



10 Y.M.S.F when she sits on a chair she makes paper.



11 Y.M.S.F when she moves she needs planning permission



12 Y.M.S.F she fell in love and broke it.



13 Y.M.S.F it takes a plane train and automobile to get on her good side.



14 Y.M.S.F that when she sunbathed on the beach, Greenpeace tried to haul her back into the sea.



15 Y.M.S.F she has print your advertisement here on both ass-cheeks



16 Y.M.S.F Nasa use her as a launchpad



17 Y.M.S.F they used her as the trampoline in the Olympics.



Yo mamas like a gumball cheap and easy to blow. *



***YO MAMAS HEAD IS SO SMALL SHE GOTTA CURL HER HAIR WITH A GRAIN OF RICE****



-YO mamas like a volcano hottest hole in town



-Yo Mamas like a lake always wet



-Yo mamas like a shaving blade every man has used her at least once



-Yo mamas like coca-cola most famous drink i know



your mamas like a shotgun, two cocks and shes ready to blow!





Yo mama is so bald that she tooka shower and got



brain washed



Your mama is so hairy, when you were born, you got carpet burn!









Q:whats the difference between your mama and a water buffalo?



A:about 25 pounds



Q:how do you make them equal?



A:either feed the water buffalo or shave your mama!

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.



But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.



True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!

You cant fall off the floor.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his

hair across his head?

The truth comes shining through.