Old and New Jokes

Cause it was rated… ARRRRRRR.

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then Im going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If we come back as something – please dont let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD, I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mecca!
Mecca who?
Mecca me happy!

Saddam Husseins stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

Era el típico niño preguntón, que caza a su madre desprevenida y le pregunta:

Mamá, mamá ¿cómo se hacen los niños?

La madre, sin saber que decir, finalmente le contesta:

Pues papá pone una semillita en mamá y… ¡la empuja con la punta de la polla!

Un tipo, ansioso por echarse un trago, llega a un bar de un hotel de muchas estrellas; al escoger su mesa, levanta la mano, llama al mesero y ordena:

“Por favor, un whisky doble”.

Al instante, el mesero regresa y le sirve uno sencillo.

“Con tantos clientes se debe haber equivocado”, piensa el señor, y se lo toma.

En seguida, pide otro whisky doble, y el mesero nuevamente, le sirve uno sencillo.

“¡Qué raro, algo debe pasar!”, piensa, pero se bebe la copa, y pide nuevamente:

“Un whisky doble por favor.”

Y de nuevo, el mesero le sirve uno sencillo.

Esto se repite todas las veces que pide un whisky doble, pero el sujeto no dice nada. Cuando le sirven la copa número veinte, el hombre ya está medio borracho y le reclama al mesero:

“¡Ptss, ptss! Oiga, ¿cómo está eso: yo le pido un whisky doble y usted me trae uno sencillo?”

“Señor, lamento decirle que en este bar todo es al revés”.

“¿A poco? ¡¿Ahora me vas a salir con que EL TONTO HIJO DE … SOY YO Y NO VOS?!”

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?



They both have wet noses!

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Leroy says, Hey Jasper, theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in.

But wes privates, protests Jasper.

Wes sergeants now, says Leroy, pulling him inside.

Now, Jasper, Im a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.

But wes privates, says Jasper. Are you blind, boy? asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. Wes sergeants now.

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. Youre cute, she says, and Id like to date you, but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If its okay, give me the okay sign. So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. Jasper, he says, why did you give me the okay sign?

Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates. He points to his stripes. But wes sergeants now!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.