Old and New Jokes

Procrastinate now!

A blonde and redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the six oclock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
 

 
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that the guy wouldnt jump, and the redhead replied, Ill take that bet!
 

 
The man jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50.
 

 
The redhead said, I cant take this, youre my friend.
 

 
The blonde said, No, a bets a bet.
 

 
So the redhead said, Listen, I have to admit, I saw this story on the five oclock news, so I really cant take your money.
 

 
The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought hed jump again!

Offensive to native Alabamans (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)

1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.
2. Youve ever used lard in bed.
3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors doeuvre.
4. You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
5. Less than half the cars you own run.
6. Your mother doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
7. The primary color of your car is BOND-O.
8. Directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
9. You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
10. Your family tree doesnt fork.
11. Your wifes hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. Youve ever hollered rock the house, Bubba during a piano recital.
13. Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
17. The diplomas hanging in your den include The Trucking Institute.
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack.
23. Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
26. You use a rag for a gas cap.
27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor.
28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs.
29. Youve ever won a spitting contest.
30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with Do What?
31. Youve actually created new meaning for the term Stump Broke.
32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do.
33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.

Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be a Red Neck yourself!

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and says, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half. The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, About 2 hours. The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around and says, About an hour and a half. The guy leaves.The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey, follow that guy and see where he goes. When the friend returns, the barber says, Well, where did he go when he left here? The friend looks up and says, To your house, to screw your wife.

Heard on a late night comedy show …

Democrats see the glass of water as half empty.

Republicans see it and say, Who the hell drank half my water?!

Seen on a computer list…

Ladies and Gentlemen, call your agents…

Story of Germanys little-known WWII submarine computer support staff: DOS Boot

An animated Disney feature about Mickeys wild bachelor years: Mouse Pad

A coming of age film about high school athletes looking for dates: Trac Ball

How to Lie With Statistics goes multimedia: SAS, Lies, and Videotape

Russian twin medics: Paradox Zhivago

Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler overs! before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the overs.

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game, and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you cant make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the Designated Bowler rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say Kings X and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, Fair is Fair.

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down pins, by golly, you get them! Thats much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be properly recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball – burial at sea, dropped from an airplane into a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake."How do I get to the other side?""Duh! You ARE on the other side!"

Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation.

When theres no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach.

Unfortunately some of Rios finest, catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for lewd conduct.

Now Hosnis not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldnt do.

The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether its his first offense.

He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosnis wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.

Hosni asks the police officer why hes getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.

The cop tells him that since its a first offense, its only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, shes been caught twice before.

Un granjero tenía un loro como mascota, que era tan, pero tan peleador y abusivo que andaba golpeando a todos los pollitos que encontraba, hasta que un día el granjero, harto de esta situación, decide encerrar al loro con dos de sus mejores gallos de pelea, y haciéndolo así se retira a atender sus obligaciones. El loro, frente a estos dos matones enfurecidos, se ve en el final de su pobre vida…

Los gallos empiezan a atacar sin compasión al pobre loro… El lorito, en medio de la golpiza, sale disparado por una esquina, aprovecha que uno de los gallos se distrae y le mete tremendo golpe por la espalda. El gallo enfurecido voltea y ve a su compañero junto al loro moribundo. Piensa que el otro gallo se quiere pasar de vivo y le devuelve el golpe.

De esa forma los gallos se golpean hasta quedar ambos tirados en el suelo, ensangrentados…

Regresa el granjero, y se encuentra con el cuadro…Y pregunta al loro, que estaba todo desplumado: ¿Qué pasó, qué hiciste, loro? Y el loro responde: Bueno, así soy yo cuando me quito el saco…