Old and New Jokes

Three guys are riding horses.

1 Minnesota man, 1 Iowa man, and 1 Texas man.

Along the way the guy from texas takes out a bottle of wine, takes 1 sip throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.

The Iowa horseman asked, Whatchya doin that fer, thaz good stuff!?!

The Texan replies, Well we got plenty of that where I come from.

Later on the Iowa horseman takes out a bottle of whiskey, takes 1 sip, throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.

And the Minnesotan asked, Why the helld you do that?!?! Thats reeeeaaaalll good stuff!

And the Iowa guy replies, Oh we got plenty of that where I come from.

So the Minnesotan takes out a can of beer, slams it, shoots the guy from Iowa, and the Texan asked, Why in the name of the holy father did you do that!?!?!

The minnesotan replied, We got plenty of them where i come from!

(This wont be as funny if youre not from the great state of Minnesota.

Yo mama so old she sat behind Moses in the third grade.

Santa Singh : Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?

Banta Singh : Yes, thats funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.

The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, Im gonna jump off this building.

The Mexican opens his lunch and says, Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.

The Redneck opens his lunch and says, Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.

The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.

The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.

The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.

Later, at the funeral the Italians wife cries out, I didnt know he disliked pastrami so much!

The Mexicans wife cries out, I wish I knew he was so sick of tamales!

The redneck wife says, Hey, dont look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.

The American, aware of the Frenchmans mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.

You French people eat the entire roll of bread?! he says in an astonished tone.

Yes, replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.

Not us, says the American. We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.

The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.

Eww… says the American, You eat your bread with that jelly?

Yes, says the Frenchman.

Not us, says the American, We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.

Really? says the Frenchman, And what do you do with your used condoms?

Taken aback, the American says, Uhh… we just throw them away.

Not us, said the Frenchman, We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans.

What is the ultimate rejection?

When youre jerking yourself off, and your hand falls asleep.

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage, Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute! The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic…

Now try doing it with the engine running!

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.

Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasnt changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.

Un borracho iba caminando por la calle y de repente le pegan unos dolores de estómago y luego le dan ganas de cagar y como no aguanta lo hace enfrente de una puerta. De pronto la puerta se abre y sale una mujer y dice, ¿qué es esto?

El borracho dice, Pues que no ve: ¡mierda!

¡Cómo!

Pues coma.

Voy a dar parte a la policía.

¡Pues comerá menos!

Un tipo le reclama a su compadre:

Óigame, desgraciado, ¿Por qué anda diciendo que me fornica en el granero? ¡Ya todo el pueblo lo sabe! Además, anduvo diciendo que hasta me acomoda.

No, compadre, cómo cree que voy a decir eso.

¿De veras no dijo eso, compadre?

No, yo no dije nada

Pues si no lo dijo, entonces nos vieron.