Old and New Jokes

A man sits down at a diner counter and, when the waitress arrives, orders a bowl of chili. The waitress brings the chili but, the man notices, her thumb is in the chili. Uh, maam, asks the customer, may I ask what your thumb is doing in my bowl of chili? Well, answers the waitress, I went to the doctor today, and he said I have arthritis in my thumb…..and to keep it in something warm every chance I got. Outraged, the customer retorts, Well, then….why dont you shove it up your fuckin ass?? The waitress smiles, and says, I DO when Im back in the kitchen.

30 Nasty Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why dont we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. Its OK, well work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, itll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this wont take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. Its a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!

According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.

11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.

Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.

Shure was, Boss he replied, I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.

Gosh, thats awful, replied the foreman Do you want the rest of the day off?

No, replied the Aggie. Ill finish the day out.

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life, Moaned the Aggie.

That was my brother, and his mother died today too!

REDMOND, WA – Microsoft concluded negotiations today to acquire the Peoples Republic of China, sources close to CEO Bill Gates revealed. The deal, valued in the billions, will cede control of the most populous nation in the world to the Gengis Kahn of the computer world.

The newly formed corporate state will be known as Microsoft China, and will include the newly merged city of Hong Kong. We see this acquisition as being very positive for Microsoft a spokesman stated this morning at a dim sum breakfast for the media. Not only do we aquire a vast workforce to manufacture our products world-wide. Thanks to years of conditioning by the Central Committee, we can also tell them as consumers what to buy!

The Central Committee will receive shares of Microsoft common stock, and be relocated to the Microsoft Peoples Recreational Camp located outside Henderson, Nevada. Microsoft will assume control of the Chinese bureaucracy.

Rumours of Bill Gates elevating his title to Emperor, however, are merely speculative at this point.

To make the transition easier for the Chinese people, Microsoft Word is being used to revise traditional Chinese Communist texts. The Replace command is sweeping away references to the party with Microsoft, and references to Chairman Mao Tse Tung are being exchanged for praises of Chairman Bill Gates.

In a possibly unrelated move, Microsoft also announced its intention to acquire all of the Chinese take-out restaurants in the United States, the European Union, and portions of Brazil.

Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water.

After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it.

Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him.

After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up.

Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs.

We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.

But Sir, why not?

Because thats the way we do things here, lad.

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete says to the salesman, We really like it but I dont think we can afford it.

The salesman says, You just make a small down payment … then you dont make another payment for six months.

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, Who told you about us?

If you see a message on the boards with a subject line of BADTIMES, delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer (20 range at 72 Fahrenheit). It will recalibrate your refrigerators coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mothers number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when theres company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940s hits and static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.

Be afraid. Be very afraid!