Old and New Jokes

Good thing for women Im not God, because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

What are the first 3 words in the Mexican national anthem?

Attention K-Mart shoppers.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her as an altar boy.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were just going down to the corner.

This comes from CNETs Digital Dispatch, also referring to eonline.

The selling of computer technology has gone far beyond ads in Byte and the occasional taxicab placard at Comdex. This year, computer companies are getting more aggressive with their marketing dollars.

The proof? These planned product placements in the upcoming summer blockbuster movies:

In Batman and Robin, Bat Signal replaced by Internet Explorer logo
In Speed 2: Cruise Control, Dibas belly-button Internet appliance worn by Sandra Bullock
The Lost World: Microsoft pays to have Jeff Goldblum eaten by T. rex while waiting for PowerBook to boot
Netscape pays Bruce Willis to discover The Fifth Element: JavaScript
Titanic: IBMs Deep Blue supercomputer predicts path of icebergs; ship changes course; and they all live happily ever after
Men in Black: Will Smith replaces CPU in alien mothership with flawed Pentium II; ship misses Earth, crashes into Venus instead
Austin Powers: uses Palm Pilot to keep track of sexual conquests
Apple puts all its summer marketing money into product placement in the guaranteed mega-smash, Free Willy 3 (targeting the wealthy 8- to 10-year-old, computer-buying demographic)
Mortal Kombat II: Annihilation: free AOL CD-ROMs used as deadly throwing stars
Air Force One: Harrison Ford launches thermonuclear attack on Seattle with brand-new Oracle Network Computer; Larry Ellison in cameo as Secretary of Defense

For the latest in summer entertainment, check out the Web site of E!: The Entertainment Network: http://www.eonline.com/

A
blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on
her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment
that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough,
when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in
the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put
the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed,
“Honey, don’t do it…”
The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re
next!”

You can tell its going to be a rotten day when:

• You wake up face down on the pavement.

• You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

• You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

• You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any.

• You turn on the TV and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

• Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.

• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.

• The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

• You wake up and your braces are locked together.

• You walk to work and find your dress is stuck to the back of your pantyhose.

• You call your answering service and they tell you its none of your business.

• Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

• Your pet rock snaps at you.

• Your wife says, Good morning, Bill, and your name is George.

Seen in a tabloid-style advertisement for a kind of surplus store in
a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups:

We will not be oversold!

Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher
price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully
bill you for the difference plus 10%.

…Well, it wasnt that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.

Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.

Your second husband was killed too?!!? Thats horrible!

Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.

Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?

It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And hes a wonderful man. I think well live a long happy life together.

And what does your present husband do for a living?

Hes a mortician.

A mortician? I dont understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?

Well, if you think about it its not too hard to understand…

One for the money… Two for the show… Three to get ready… And four to go!