Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Uva!
Uva who?
Uva vacuum!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Watson!
Watson who?
Watson television!

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

In my family, the Scotsman said, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I knock you down and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me down and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could and knocked him over. The Englishman fell to the floor and howled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to kick you.

The Scotsman said, No. You can keep the egg!

Two crows were sitting on a plough handle. Suddenly they spotted a sandwich in the field. They flew down and were delighted to find that it was Bologna! They gorged themselves and flew back to the plough for a snooze. Unfortunately they were quickly awakened by a gunshot as the farmer tried to scare away the crows in his cornfield. Our two friends tried to join the flock but fell down.

The moral of this story is, Dont fly off the handle when youre full of baloney!

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, You know, were starting to get on each others nerves. Why dont we split up today. Ill hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, well have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire. The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.



That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?



The second friend says, I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.



Wow, the first guy says, did you get a blow job?



No, says the second friend. I couldnt find her head.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, Im still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom.

How can that be if youve been married ten times?

Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!

Good, said the new husband, but, why?

Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!

A blonde buys a new sports car and decides to take it out and see what it can do. So she is flying down the highway at 100+ mph when she loses control. She is thrown from the car and lands in a field. A man passing by sees this and rushes to her aid. He asks her is she is alright and she says yes just a little dazed. So he asks her how many fingers and she screams OH MY GOD I AM PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN!

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a
Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the
Tower.Sardarji says Yes. Give me a thousand rupees and Ill go get
a ladder. The man took the thousand and disappeared.

Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he wastaken ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same streetand the
same man asks him to buy the clock. Give me a thousand rupees
and Ill go get a ladder. The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I
am not a fool. This time, you wait and Ill go get a ladder.

These two businessmen were chatting over a well earned drink in a New York bar one Friday evening.

God, I embarrassed myself last week says the first. There I was in the railroad station trying to get to Pittsburgh. The ticket clerk had the biggest breasts I had ever seen outside of Playboy, and when she served me I said Give me a ticket to TITS – BURGH. Ive never been so embarrassed in my life.

I know what you mean said his colleague. Only the other morning I was having breakfast with my wife, and when I meant to say pass the butter, what I actually said was you miserable cow, youve completely f. . . cked up my life. Shes still not speaking to me.

Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his
client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

Oh, no, replied Mrs. OConnor. Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?

No, no, said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. Oim always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?

Shure now, he plays the flute, but I dont think he knows anything about the
connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What Im trying to find out are what
grounds you have.

Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat–not even a window box, let alone
grounds.

Mrs. OConnor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a
reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Shure its because the man cant hold an
intelligent conversation.