Old and New Jokes

Un ladrón entró a una casa a hacer de las suyas, con su linterna en la mano. Cuando estaba escudriñando por la cocina y el comedor en busca de la platería, escuchó una extraña voz que le decía:

Jesús te está mirando.

El ladrón se sobresaltó, apagó la linterna e inmediatamente se puso a averiguar de dónde provenía esa voz.

Jesús te está mirando, volvió a escuchar.

Encendió nuevamente su linterna y vio a un loro encerrado en una jaula que le repitió:

Jesús te está mirando.

El tipo se río y le respondió:

¿Y tú quién eres?

Soy Moisés, contestó el loro.

Ja, ja, ja, ja ¿Y quién fue el imbécil que te puso Moisés?

El mismo imbécil que le puso Jesús al doberman que está detrás de ti… ¡Idiota!

Doctor, fíjese que no puedo controlar el hacerme pipí en la cama. ya que todas las noches sueño con un duende que viene a mi cama y me pregunta ¿ya hiciste pipí? y yo le respondo ¡no! y me dice, pues ¡HAZ¡

Y el Doctor le dice:

En la noche que sueñe con el duende y le pregunte que si ya hizo pipí le dice que sí.

A otro día el doctor le dice:

¿Cómo le fue con el duende?

Y contesta:

Muy mal, por que cuando el duende vino a mis sueños y me preguntó ¿ya hiciste pipí? le dije ¡sí! y me preguntó ¿y popo? y le dije ¡No!, entonces me dijo Pues ¡HAZ!

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me.



His friend says Dont worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.



So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.



Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.



You reek of alcohol and youve thrown up all over yourself, my God youre disgusting etc.



Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, Wait. Its not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. Hed obviously had one too many, or else he just couldnt hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.



She looks in his breast pocket and says, But this is forty dollars.



Ah, yes. says the man. He shit in my trousers too.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.



What would you like to do next? he asked.

I wanna be weighed, she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.



One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.



Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.



I wanna be weighed, she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.



The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?



Wousy, said the girl.

Sign in school: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.

Sign on an asphalt truck: Let us fill your crack!

Office sign: Ace exterminating – we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.

Sign at a muffler shop: No muff too tough for us!

Sign on a government issue car: Fulton county disaster coordinator.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Its morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Yo mama so fat she farted and made the Grand canyon.

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.