Old and New Jokes

Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than
you.

A New Jersey farmer mowed down a 60-foot-wide swastika someone had hacked out in his cornfield.

The farmer says he has no idea how it got there, but Johnny Robish has a theory: Fascist pigs.

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrots approach. Ive asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or Ill kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…

For someone who cant fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

Last year, in anticipation of abortions possibly becoming illegal in Michigan,
Ann Arbor voters passed an amendment to the city charter making the maximum
allowed penalty for getting an illegal abortion a $5 fine. (As a side note, the
same election increased the fine for possessing small quantities of marijuana
from $5 to $25 for a first offense and $100 for a second).

However, the really strange thing about this policy is that its enforcement
would be assigned to the Parking Department.

So I guess this is a way of penalizing excessive parking after 6 p.m..

But what I have to wonder is what theyll do to women who dont pay their
abortion tickets. Since 6 unpaid traffic tickets results in getting your
car booted, will 6 unpaid abortion tickets result in having a chastity belt
put on you?

Two guys in a coffee shop. The first guy said to the second, Do you see
that mute over there? I wonder how he orders coffee? The waitress just
passing by, says, Oh, if you want to know, ordering coffee is easy for him.
You have to see him ordering coffee with milk. She blushed and continued,
I have to give him a few slaps before he remove his hands.

Nhan Huu Tran

Santas Girlfriend: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Santa: Its very kind of you, darling, But I dont have any worries or troubles.

Santas Girlfriend: Well thats because we arent married yet.

I just had to share this. Returning from a recent business trip I listened to a slightly unusual inflight safety lecture. Below are some of the bits I managed to remember …

Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.

There are 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane …

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of a water landing, please take them with our compliments.

And, after landing:

Thank-you for flying Delta Business Express, we hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

It seems that a man was brought to criminal cort for the murder of his
wife.

Judge: Sir, you have been brought before me and stand accussed of killing
your wife. What do you have to say in your defense?

Man: Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my
best friend and I shot her. Thats all I have to say.

Judge: I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your
best friend, would you please tell me what happened with him.

Man: Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies wont talk to her!