Old and New Jokes

Estaban platicando dos maquinistas, que por su trabajo se ausentaban varios días de su casa, decia uno:

Cuando llego a mi casa, le envío un telegrama a mi esposa, al pasar por el frente toco el silbato del tren y siempre me recibe cariñosa y sonriente como una esposa fiel.

El otro le comenta:

Yo, por el contrario, nunca le aviso cuando llegaré, tres kilometros antes de que el tren pase frente a mi casa apago las máquinas para llegar sin hacer ruido; llego a la puerta frontal de mi casa y la golpeo gritando ya llegue vieja. En seguida corro hacia la puerta trasera donde tengo un bat de beisbol. Hasta la fecha no se me ha escapado ningun hijo de la chingada.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. Do you serve lawyers in here?, the man inquires.



Sure do!, replied the bartender.



Great!, the man said. Ill have a Coors Light, and how bout a lawyer for my gator.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?

A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding Please Pay Current Charges?

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?

The nine year old replies Nope, not for my mom.

Casher: Well they must be for your sister then?

Nine year old: Nope, not for my sister either.

Cashier, curious now: Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?

The nine year old says Theyre for my four year old little brother.

The cashier is surprised: Your four year old little brother?

The nine year old explains: Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother cant do either of them!

Forwarded from a friend whos doing student teaching this semester…

these are actual quotes taken from junior high students science
tests….

* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.

* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.

* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

* To collect fumes of sulhpur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube.

Brent Nordquist

14> Your coffee stays hot all day!13> Never have to look very far to find the legal department.12> In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge — Satan!11> 30% fewer Dilbert cartoons in the break room.10> In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy. 9> You get to spend more time with your spouse now. 8> No more wondering if the boss hates you. 7> Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public
transportation. 6> Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating. 5> Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss! 4> Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a Full House cast member every
Friday. 3> Your job? Suit and tie.
Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby! 2> Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke
now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint. 1> Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS:
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT:
an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clintons shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH:

The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key and the Power On Key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS:
The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out at ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps!
GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND:
That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS:
Well Off Older Folks.