A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!
Thats right!, shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!
Thats right! shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
Is it wine?, she asked.
No, the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
Is it champagne?, she asked.
No, the boy answered.
What is it?
A puppy!
Un profesor de matematicas quiere burlarse de sus alumnos y les dice: Chicos, aquà les va un problema: Un avión sale de Amsterdam con una velocidad de 400 km/h. La presión es de 1004 hectopascales, la humedad relativa es del 66% y la temperatura es de 22 grados. La tripulación está compuesta por 5 personas, la capacidad del avión es de 45 asientos, el baño está ocupado y hay 5 azafatas. La pregunta es… ¿CUÃNTOS AñOS TENGO?.
Los niños se miran asombrados, mientras Pepito levanta la mano y responde: ¿44 años, profesor?. El maestro lo mira asombrado y le dice: SÃ, tengo 44 años, pero ¿cómo adivinaste?. Y Pepito le contesta: ¡Lo que pasa es que tengo un primo de 22 que es medio mamón!
Llega Bill Clinton a la oficina de Boris Yelstin y ve que éste tiene un telefono rojo detrás de su escritorio:
¿Para que es ese telefono?, pregunta Clinton.
Para hablar con Dios, contesta Yelstin.
¿Puedo llamar?
Claro, camarada.
Clinton hace su llamada y cuando termina de hablar con Dios, Yelstin le da una factura por 3 billones de dólares.
¿Por qué tanto?, se queja Clinton.
Hablar con Dios cuesta.
Clinton paga y se despide de Yelstin. Dias despues Bill Clinton visita a Menem y ve un telefono similar:
¿Ese telefono es para hablar con Dios?, pregunta Clinton.
Pues claro, ¿querés usarlo?
Si, contesta Clinton.
Al terminar de hablar Menem le entrega la factura a Clinton:
¿Sólo 10 centavos, por qué tan barato?, pregunta asombrado Clinton.
¿Y que querés? asà cobramos las llamadas locales acá.
El Inspector General de Salud está haciendo un recorrido por el manicomio en compañÃa del encargado del plantel. De pronto, el Inspector ve algo que le llama la atención: un loco acostado en el piso y un grupo alrededor de él. Por curiosidad, le pregunta al encargado qué está pasando allÃ:
Lo que pasa es que el loco que está acostado dice que es el periódico y los demás lo están leyendo.
Muy interesante, ahora me tengo que ir, seguiremos mañana la inspección.
Al otro dÃa, cuando siguen haciendo la supervisión, el Inspector ve que el loco-periódico del dÃa anterior es perseguido por todos los antiguos lectores.
¿Y ahora qué está pasando?, le preguntó intrigado al encargado.
Que como es el periódico de ayer, ahora lo quieren para limpiarse el culo.
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought hed better do something. He spoke to all the girls that wore lipstick and asked them to meet him in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they arrived they found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies would better understand the problem if they saw how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a berdaggled brush on a long handle out of a box. He dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Two men go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: Ill be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.
One of the hunters replies: Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out.
The three of them argue for several minutes more. After the hunters offer him a large bonus, the pilot gives in and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: Where the Hell are we?
The other looks around and replies: About 100 yards further than we got last year!
Marketing is a foreign language unto itself:
GM cars: Originally sold in Belgium using the slogan, Body by Fisher, which translated as Corpse by Fisher.
The Jotter: A pen made by Parker. In some Latin countries, jotter is slang for jockstrap.
Puffs tissues: In Germany, puff is slang for whorehouse.
Cue toothpaste: Marketed in France by Colgate-Palmolive until they learned that Cue is also the name of a popular pornographic magazine.
Schweppes Tonic Water: The company changed the name from Schweppes Tonic Water to Schweppes Tonica when they learned that in Italian, il water means the bathroom.
The Ford Caliente: Marketed in Mexico, until Ford found out caliente is slang for streetwalker. Ford changed the name to S-22.
The Rolls-Royce Silver Myst: In German, mist means human waste. (Clairols Mist Stick curling iron had the same problem.)
Laying pipe: When the Sumitomo Corporation in Japan developed an extremely strong steel pipe, they hired a Japanese advertising agency to market it in the United States.
Big mistake: The agency named the pipe Sumitomo High Toughness and launched a major magazine advertising campaign using the products initials–SHT–in catchy slogans like SHT–from Sumitomo, and Now, Sumitomo brings SHT to the United States. Each ad ended with the assurance that SHT was made to match its name.
The Big Mac: Originally sold in France under the name Gros Mec. The expression means big pimp in French.