Old and New Jokes

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope,
we find there are twice as many Hs as Os.

A very popular girl (the town whore) went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?

The girl thought and then asked, Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?

One day Nasrudin saw a strange-looking building at whose door a contemplative Yogi sat. The Mulla decided that he would learn something from this impressive figure, and started a conversation by asking him who and what he was.

I am a Yogi, said the other, and I spend my time in trying to attain harmony with all living things.

That is interesting, said Nasrudin, because a fish once saved my life.

The Yogi begged him to join him, saying that in a lifetime devoted to trying to harmonize himself with the animal creation, he had never been so close to such communion as the Mulla had been.

When they had been contemplating for some days, the Yogi begged the Mulla to tell him more of his wonderful experience with the fish, now that we know one another better.

Now that I know you better, said Nasrudin, I doubt whether you would profit by what I have to tell.

But the Yogi insisted.

Very well, said Nasrudin. The fish saved my life all right. I was starving at the time, and it sufficed me for three days.

In a restroom at IBMs Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — THINK!

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — THOAP!

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if youre warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

At a dinner party to introduce the new Administrator of the Maryland State Highway, everybodys new boss went on and on extolling his own virtues, forward-thinking, the modernization hed put in place, the downsizing, equipment upgrades, roadway improvements he had both instituted and planned for the future while he was with the Pennsylvania Dept. of Transportation.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he opened the floor for questions. Sir, said a voice from the back of the room (who shall remain nameless), perhaps youd also tell us why they fired you.

A woman was pregnant with triplets when a robber came through her door and shot her three times. One bullet went into each of the children.

At the hospital, the doctor told her that all of her children were fine, but that sometime in their lives, they would pass the bullets in their stool.

Years later, one of the woman’s teen-age daughters approached her and said, Mom! Youll never guess what happened!

Mom said, You passed a bullet, didnt you? Shocked at her mothers reply, the daughter asked how she knew, and Mom told her the story.

A week later the other teenage daughter had the same experience. Mom! she said, Youll never guess what happened to me! Mom guessed correctly, sat her down and told her the story.

The following week, the womans teen-age son approached her and exclaimed, Mom! Youll never guess what happended to me!

You pooped a bullet, didnt you?

No, said the son. I was jacking off and I killed the dog!

At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.

Interviewer: Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?

Clinton (visibly upset): You leave Hillary out of this!

Un homosexual pasaba por una casa en construcción, y los albañiles gritaron:

¡Adiós maricón!

Y él les respondió:

¡Adiós albañilotes feos, sucios y fuchis!

Al día siguiente, volvió a pasar por la misma obra, pero esta vez los albañiles gritaron:

¡Adiós mamacita!

A lo que respondió:

¡Hasta luego, señores arquitectos!

Un loco llega a la oficina del manicomio a quejarse:

Buenas, vengo porque mi compañero de cuarto no me deja dormir.

¿Por qué?, le pregunta el secretario.

Tiene complejo de motocicleta.

¿Y qué es lo que le molesta, el ruido que él hace?

No, lo que me molesta es el humo.