1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You dont need new shoes everyday.4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9. Valuation: Just because its not important to you.10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.16. Parking: Beginners Course.17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.23. PMS: Your problem – not his.
Statisticians do it 97.31 percent of the time.
Measure theorists do it almost everywhere.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Paddy n Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody whos on the streets after 6 oclock. So one day, theyre out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.
"What are you doin, Paddy? It aint 6 yet!"
"I know what Im doin. I know where he lives and he wouldnt have made it!"
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Failed merger: Yahooand Netscape. Net n Yahoo didnt work out because they would have to relocate theheadquarters located in Tel Aviv. Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild. Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive organs. Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler — to be called…Poly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood John Deere andAbitibi-Price: Deere Abi Zippo Manufacturing, Audi,Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da Swissair andCheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese Honeywell, Imasco and HomeOil: Honey, Im Home Luvs Diapers and HertzRent-a-Car: Luv Herts Upjohn and Chuckie CheesePizza: UpChuck White Castle Burgers andGlad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The lights out?
A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
How much will that be? asks the neutron.
For you? replies the bartender, no charge
Question: What stands behind every successful, married man?
Answer: An amazed Mother-in-Law!
Dos señoras están viendo como sus hijos juegan en el parque. Una le comenta a la otra:
Mi hijo es más tonto que las piedras.
La otra madre la contradice y le asegura que su hijo es mucho más tonto que el suyo, y deciden comprobarlo. La primera llama a su hijo y le ordena:
Manolo, toma un duro y cómprame una televisión de color.
El chaval toma el dinero y va a cumplir el encargo.
La otra madre llama a su niño:
Juan, ve a casa y búscame.
Sin rechistar, el niño va, y en el camino se encuentran los dos crÃos, y éstos mantienen la misma discusión que sus madres. Manolo dice:
Mira si mi madre es tonta, que me dice que vaya a comprar una TV de color y no me dice el color que quiere.
Y salta Juan y le contesta:
Mi madre si que es tonta, me dice que vaya a casa y la busque y no me da las llaves.
Un dÃa, un buen hombre de ciudad va al campo y se encuentra con un pastor que cuidaba un montón de ovejas blancas y negras y le pregunta:
Escuche, ¿cuánto pesan estas ovejas?
¿Las blancas o las negras?
Las blancas.
Pues unos 15 kilos.
¿Y las negras?
También.
El hombre, pensativo, le vuelve a preguntar:
¿Y cuánta lana producen?
¿Las blancas o las negras?
Las blancas.
Pues unos 3 kilos.
¿Y las negras?
También.
Un rato después, el citadino vuelve a preguntar:
¿Y le salen caras de alimentar?
¿Las blancas o las negras?
Las blancas.
Pues un poquito.
¿Y las negras?
También.
Escuche, ¿por qué siempre me pregunta si las blancas o las negras, si es la misma respuesta?
Porque las blancas son mÃas.
¿Y las negras?
También.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One… Men will screw anything.