Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfie!
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isaiah!
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing till you open this door!

If at first you dont succeed, transform your dataset.

An aggie, one of the elderly types, proceeded to try out
for a part in a local College Station play. Sympathizing
with his zeal for the part, the cast director agreed to
include him in it, but under two conditions, hed better do
a heck of good job, and he would only get one line in the
entire play: Hark! the cannon just fired!

So the elderly aggie goes home, brags to all his friends about it,
and continually yells:

Hark! the cannon just fired!

Hark! the cannon just fired!

Finally on the night of the performace, during the highlight of
the play, the booming sound of a menacing cannon shakes the
entire theatre, the audience, in complete awe and silence…
At the top of his lungs the aggie shouts:

What the hell was that?!

Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the
tambourine, chant, and sing.

From modernhumorist.com

One Hollywood exec said he wouldnt be surprised if the movie rights to the election of the century were already being negotiated. Its got all the ingredients—a mysterious electoral college, weird tabulating procedures, missing ballots, lawsuits—as well as photogenic lead characters.

– Variety

Uncountable

Dir. M. Night Shyamalan

In this supernatural thriller from the creator of The Sixth Sense, an election is not what it seems. Gore (Bruce Willis) is haunted by the memory of losing Palm Beach County by a narrow margin. His son, Al Gore III (Brad Renfro) tells him, I see missing ballots. An election law expert (Samuel L. Jackson) tries to find the truth. Please do not reveal the surprise ending (Gov. Carnahan is dead!).

How the Grinch Stole the Election

Dir. Ron Howard

Ralph Nader (Abe Vigoda) plots to steal away as many votes as possible from the gentle Gores in Goreville (Tennessee). Aided by loyal Cindy Lou-Who (Ani Difranco), Nader-Grinch seeks to confuse the voting populace with his tales of giant corporations and government corruption.

Voter in the Dark

Dir. Lars von Trier

An elderly Florida woman (Bjork) gradually loses her eyesight while casting the deciding Palm Beach vote.

Armageddon 2

Dir. Michael Bay. Prod. Jerry Bruckheimer

Fade in: The terrorist bombing of the USS Cole ($30 million). Cut to: A retirement community in Palm Beach, Florida, which explodes ($25 million). Cut to: Al Gore (Nicolas Cage) and George W. Bush (Ving Rhames) engaged in martial-arts combat atop the U.S. Capitol ($16 million). Fade out to end credits ($11 million).

The Presidential Erection

Writ. Joe Ezterhas

A Miami stripper (Yasmine Bleeth) becomes involved in an erotic triangle with two presidential candidates (David Caruso and Kyle MacLachlan). On the eve of the election, she chooses her allegiance to one, and the other demands a recount.

Untitled Woody Allen Fall 2000 Project

Al Gore (Stanley Tucci), a neurotic presidential candidate, has to take stock of his life when his rival (Sean Penn) wins the election. But a strange fortuneteller (Judy Davis) helps Gore go back in time and teach comical Jewish retirees how to fill out their ballots correctly. Only after Gore falls in love with a beautiful but klutzy ballot designer (Natasha Lyonne) does he find true happiness.

Plan 9 From Palm Beach

Dir. Ed Wood

Aliens, posing as chads, try to take over the democratic process by re-animating the residents of Palm Beach retirement condos. Starring Bela Lugosi as George W. Bush, Tor Johnson as Karl Rove and a piece of aluminum-covered cardboard dangling from a string as Al Gore.

Also in production:

A Few Good Democrats

Dir. Rob Reiner, Prod. Harvey Weinstein

Theres Something About Cheney

Dir. Bobby and Peter Farrelly

Jing Cha Gu Shi (a.k.a. Ballot Attack Fury)

Dir. Jackie Chan

The Infected Boil

Dir. David Cronenberg

The Disputed Hole (a.k.a. The Swinging Chad)

Dir. Phillip Kaufman

This film is rated NC-17.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. Hows it going?
someone asked.

Not too bad, said Diogenes. I still have my lantern.

Hugh Dunne

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Giants fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. said the reporter and starts again.

Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not a Jets fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.

What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Cowboys fan. the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

From a recent Time magazine:

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. That will be
one ruble, says the bartender. One ruble! the customer protests,
last week it was only fifty kopeks! Well, replies the bartender,
its fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopeks for the perestroika.
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised
when the bartender gives him back fifty kopeks and says, We are
out of beer.