Old and New Jokes

A: Its too hard to retrain them.

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital
where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctors every move, he asked, Whats
that?

The doctor explained, This is an anesthetic. After
he gets this he wont know a thing.

Save your time, Doc, exclaimed the man. He dont
know nothing now.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Martha!
Martha who?
Martha them up to the top of the hill and the marched them down again!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.

What does that tell you?

Watson pondered for a minute.

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isnt too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a mans penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.

They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a mans penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Un hombre baja en su automóvil por una carretera de montaña, sinuosa y escarpada.

Una mujer también al volante, sube por la misma carretera. Cuando se cruzan, la mujer saca la cabeza por la ventanilla y grita:

¡CERDOOO!

El hombre saca también la cabeza por la ventanilla y contesta:

¡PUTAAA!

Cada uno sigue su camino. Cuando el hombre tuerce en la curva siguiente se encuentra con un cerdo en medio de la carretera; instintivamente, gira el volante para esquivarlo y el coche rueda por la ladera y se estrella en el valle.

¡Ah, si los hombres escucharan alguna vez a las mujeres…!

Un individuo que vivía en Inglaterra recibe un telegrama, el cual decia: Papá murió, vuelve a casa.

El pobre empeña hasta el ultimo clavo para tomar el avión y regresar a México a recibir su herencia.

Cuando llega se lleva la tremenda sorpresa de que su mamá había heredado todo.

Pasan cinco meses y recibe otro telegrama: Mamá testó, vuelve a casa.

Empeña todo y vuelve a viajar para cobrar ahora sí, su herencia.

Al llegar a reclamar la herencia, la familia le dice:

¿De qué hablas?, el telegrama decía: Mámate esto, se vuelve a casar.

Hlades Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it.