The traffic cop excitedly told his wife, Can you believe this, dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle in only four months!

Is that a record, honey? his wife asked.

It must be, said the cop. It says three to five years on the box.

I noted the following in misc.kids. Ive got the authors approval to
submit it to rec.humor.funny:

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course,
you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

Robert Plamondon
robert@weitek.COM

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that youve heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If theyre OK, youre it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. TJs Law: You cant fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Number 16 of course, came from Mark Twain

The US Army is currently in the midst of a sexual harassment scandal. It started at a small base in Aberdeen, Maryland. These are some things you might either see in the news, or hear about:

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officers stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment. The girl sighed and said, Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will be be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?

Then there was the newly promoted Army Captain who promptly had his female Quartermaster on the carpet because she forgot to include a sofa in his office.

Im telling you Jody, Ive never been happier said the one recruit to the other. I have two Drill Sergeants madly in love with me. One is just fabulous – handsome, sensititive, caring and considerate. What in the world would ya need the 2nd Sgt for? Jody asked. Oh, Carol replied, Well, Sgt. James is both straight AND single.

Tracy, a new recruit, was complaining about her recent date with a Drill Sergeant. He called me a slut she said, tears in her eyes. Thats terrible! What did you do? asked her fellow recruit. Well, I told him to get the hell outta the motel room, and … to take all his buddies with him.

The Army still doesnt understand how to conduct a decent scandal. They dont even have a cool/catchy name for the incident as yet. Hell, even the Navy, several years ago, had the good sense to use the double entendre Tailhook for theirs.

You have to give the Base Commander at Aberdeen credit though for responding quickly to charges of widespread fraternization between Officers and recruits by issuing a directive to all personnel that such conduct was strictly against all regulations. The memo was signed personally by the Commander, and co-signed by his aide, a Pvt. Lolita Bootsie DeCamp.

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

Satan! beckoned God. You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!

Yeah? What if I dont? replied the devil.

Ill sue you if I have to, answered God.

Sure, laughed Satan. Where are you going to find a lawyer?

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then wont buy a car if it cant go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but dont know half the words in the Star Spangled Banner.

Well spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

Were the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

Were supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still cant deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, If youre going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.

He then said to his aide, Let him go. The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.

The general looked straight at his new people and said Youre each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.

He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the generals family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, This is COMMITMENT!

He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.

Dos tontilandeses van a pasar las vacaciones a Estupids City. Mientras van en el tren uno se queda flipado mirando por la ventana y le dice al otro:

Oye, ¿te has fijado en lo rápido que pasan los postes?

Y el otro le dice:

¡Es verdad, de regreso mejor nos venimos en poste!

Estaban dos compadres y uno le dice al otro:

Compadre, ¿dónde ha estado?. Tantos meses sin verlo.

Estuve en una clases para quitarme las ganas de fumar.

Por lo visto no dio resultado, verdad.

¡Claro que dio resultado!

Pero si está usted fumando.

Sí, pero sin ganas.