Old and New Jokes

On a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of soap:
Directions: use like regular soap.

On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On packaged Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On a packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, Its got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a drivers side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steves wife before, he asked, Whos that?

Oh, said Steve with a grin, another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "Whats taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""Forget it, man," said his partner, "you dont stand a snowballschance in hell of hitting her from here!"

I always give 100% at my work:15% on Monday
25% on Tuesday
35% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hardy!
Hardy who?
Hardy ha ha!

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. Ill bet you $10 hell jump, said the first guy. Bet you $10 he wont, said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

I cant take your money, said the first guy. I cheated you. The same story was on the five oclock news. No, no. Take it, said the second guy. I saw the five oclock news too. I just didnt think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

A primary school teacher was talking with her class.

Teacher: Mary, what did you do at lunch?

Mary: I played with my doll, Miss.

Teacher: Mary, If you can spell doll, you can go home early.

Mary: D O L L

Teacher: Correct. Brian, what did you do at lunch?

Brian: I played with my ball, Miss.

Teacher: Brain, If you can spell ball, you can go home early.

Brian: B A L L

Teacher: Correct. Rangi, what did you do at lunch?

Rangi: I got hassled by all the other kids for being black, Miss.

Teacher: That sounds like Racial Discrimination. Rangi, If you can spell
Racial Discrimination…

Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way

Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.
Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check ?
Most of the natives in Baltimore arent very friendly. In fact, if it werent for muggings, thered be almost no personal contact.
Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, thats for their own safety & protection.
Theres a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
Chivalry isnt dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next.
In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life – most run however.
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.