Old and New Jokes

None. Thats what rednecks are for.

What does a blonde say after shes had sex? All you boys on the same team?

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.

The second little boy pipes up, Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his ears.

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.

Really, have you seen it? ask the boys.

The third boy responds, No, but Ive seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.

I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off. he replies.

You dirty bastard! shouts the barmaid, get out before I get my husband.

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off. he replies.

What??? screams the barmaid, Thats it, youre barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

Right. Ill give you one last chance, says the barmaid, now, what do you want?

I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.

The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

Whats up, love? says the husband.

Theres this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off, she says in a flood of tears.

What?! Hes a dead man! shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off! screams the wife.

Right, hes going to need a body bag, the bastard! shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

Arent you going to do something?!! shouts the wife in hysterics.

Listen love, Im not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and Excuse me sir, arent you Moses?

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, Excuse me sir, arent you Moses? Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. Excuse me sir, arent you Moses? Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George Ws aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet. To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, So how high can you advance in your organization?

The Priest says If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.

Well, could you get any higher than that? asks the Rabbi.

I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop said the Priest a bit cautiously.

Is there any way that you might go higher than that?

If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal,
said the priest.

Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…

So the Rabbi says And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?

What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!

The Rabbi leaned back and said One of our boys made it.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.

Youre so ugly you looked out the window and started World War III.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.



She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish? He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.



She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, What is this wonderful girls name?



He answers, Monica Lewinsky.



There is a pause, then his mother asks, What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?