Old and New Jokes

From the Urban Myths column of The Guardian Weekend (18 Dec 1993)

Some friends of friends had a precocious eight-year-old who counted as his girlfriend a little girl who attended the same school.

During the Christmas term, the kids were selected for parts in the traditional Nativity play. The boy was extremely upset at the casting. His girlfriend landed the part of Mary, but he didnt get to play Joseph opposite her.

Nevertheless, he took his role seriously, and all the rehearsals went smoothly. Come the big night, all the parents were glowing with pride at the heart-warming performances.

Cushion-pregnant Mary and her husband Joseph duly arrived at the inn, and asked if there was any room for them for the night. It was the little boys big moment, and he did not disappoint.

You can come in Mary, he shouted, grabbing her by the arm, but Joseph can sod off.

Apparently, later in the same play, Mary was tending to the little doll, new-born in the manger, when one of the shepherds stutteringly asked what she was going to call the infant.

Mary thought hard for a minute. Then her face lit up, and she replied, Tracey.

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde,
one was a redhead.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didnt
happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing
few moments no one volunteered.Finally the redhead gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded.

Bumper stickers seen this weekend …..

Youre just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

I have the body of a god……..Buddha.

This would be really funny if it werent happening to me.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

The face is familiar but i cant quite remember my name.

Illiterate? Write for help.

Honk if anything falls off.

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.

This isnt my idea of a good time.

Its been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.

This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.

I havent lost my mind its backed up on disk somewhere.

Oh, evolve!

Gone crazy be back shortly.

If youre not outraged youre not paying attention.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldnt cover her

Estaban una pareja de casados en su recamara cuando el esposo le pregunta a su esposa:

Mi amor, ¿qué te parece si le escribimos a la cigüeña?

A lo que su esposa responde:

Para que, si tu pluma ni sirve.

Yo mama so dumb, she sits on the television and watches the sofa.

Some see things as they are and ask why?; I dream of things that never were and ask why not? – George Bernard Shaw

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Ive found the secret of happiness –

total disregard of everybody.

-Ashleigh Brilliant