Old and New Jokes

I had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all I had to do was show it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a coon the exact size of that board.

Well, one day my wifehappened to set the ironing board out on the porch to clean it and I aint seen that hound since!

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if theyre intelligent.

I do so by asking them the right questions, says the Queen. Allow me to demonstrate.

She phones Tony Blair and says, Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?

Tony Blair responds, Its me, maam.

Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir, says the Queen. She hangs up and says, Did you get that, Mr. Bush?

Yes maam. Thanks a lot. Ill definitely be using that!

Upon returning to Washington, he decides hed better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.

Why, of course, sir. Whats on your mind?

Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, Can I think about it and get back to you? Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it? Powell answers immediately, Its me, of course, you dumbass.

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! Its Colin Powell!

And Bush replies in disgust, Wrong, you dumbass, its Tony Blair!

How does one identify a Kentucky virgin?

Shes the one who can outrun her brothers.

Yo mama so ugly that when they put her face in cookie dough, they made gorilla animal crackers from the impression.

1) Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana!
2) Life sucks …. and then you die!
3) What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?!
4) If life is so perfect why are you still here?!
5) Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
and so are you,
but the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl is empty,
and so is your head.

A salesman asked Bubba where his friend Junior lived. Bubba gave him directions but cautioned him not to honk his horn.

Why not? asked the salesman curiously.

Well, you see, Juniors wife ran off with a banjo player about three months ago and every time Junior hears somebody honk, hes afraid the banjo player is bringing her back.

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.

He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

Rainy WWW

She had a hard time getting dates in the Lebanese restaurants.

Men miss them all

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,Who BUYS this crap anyway?

15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim youre taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, Wow,Magic!

20. Put M&Ms on layaway.

21. Move Caution: Wet FLoor signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , …Im Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they spell hello upside down.

29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?

41. Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. Re-alphebetize the CDs in electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.

47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,No,no! Its those voices again!

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.