Old and New Jokes

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, STOP! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.

Scripture? replied the burglar.

She said she had an axe and two 38s!

Whats the difference between men and beer? When youre done with the beer its still worth 5 cents.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, Thatll be $5000. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.



Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?



The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.



The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. That ones even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?



Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper.



The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?



The shopkeeper replied, Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it says its a consultant.

Other peoples tools work only in other peoples gardens.

Children give life to the concept of immaturity.

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking to God and he asked, How much is a penny worth in heaven? God replied, One million dollars. Then Joe asked, How long is a minute in heaven? God said, One million years. So Joe asked for a penny and God said, Sure, just wait a minute.

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake.

They were having terrible luck, they werent catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, I got something, I got something!

So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, its a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish. Well they think thats a pretty good deal, so they agree.

The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, I want you to double my IQ. The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly hes solving all of these problems they had been working on for months.

So the next scientist thinks thats pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, I want you to tripple my IQ. So the Mermaid says, No problem. snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS and Cancer.

So the last scientist is really excited about all of this. He tells the Mermaid, I want you to quadruple my IQ.

The Mermaid looks at him and says, Are you sure about this? Im not so sure you want to do that. But the scientist is stubborn and tells her, You granted the other guys wishes, now grant mine or were not letting you go.

So the Mermaid sighs and says, Whatever you want.

She snaps her fingers and the scientist turned into a woman.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers?

A. They sold their souls to Santa.