Old and New Jokes

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont – as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, its total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and theres a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…havin a party Saturday…thought youd like to come.

Great, Sam says, after six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops. Gotta warn you theres gonna be some drinkin.

Not a problem…after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin too.

Damn! Sam thinks, tough crowd…sounds like the Redwood Run. Well, he says, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties too.

Now that is not a problem, says Sam, remember, Ive been alone for six months. Ill definitely be there! By the way…what should I wear to the party?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want…its just gonna be the two of us.

Estaba Caperucita Roja paseando por el bosque, de repente se encuentra con el Lobo Feroz, y este le dice:

Caperucita, ¿qué llevas en la canastita?

Caperucita responde:

Unos bizcochos para mi Abuelita.

El lobo le dice:

¿Me dejas ver?

Sí.

El lobo empieza a mirar y le dice:

Pero Caperucita, tienes un pelo en el bizcocho.

Esta le responde:

Pues claro, no ves que tengo quince añitos.

Good thing for women Im not God, because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead.

What are the first 3 words in the Mexican national anthem?

Attention K-Mart shoppers.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her as an altar boy.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were just going down to the corner.

This comes from CNETs Digital Dispatch, also referring to eonline.

The selling of computer technology has gone far beyond ads in Byte and the occasional taxicab placard at Comdex. This year, computer companies are getting more aggressive with their marketing dollars.

The proof? These planned product placements in the upcoming summer blockbuster movies:

In Batman and Robin, Bat Signal replaced by Internet Explorer logo
In Speed 2: Cruise Control, Dibas belly-button Internet appliance worn by Sandra Bullock
The Lost World: Microsoft pays to have Jeff Goldblum eaten by T. rex while waiting for PowerBook to boot
Netscape pays Bruce Willis to discover The Fifth Element: JavaScript
Titanic: IBMs Deep Blue supercomputer predicts path of icebergs; ship changes course; and they all live happily ever after
Men in Black: Will Smith replaces CPU in alien mothership with flawed Pentium II; ship misses Earth, crashes into Venus instead
Austin Powers: uses Palm Pilot to keep track of sexual conquests
Apple puts all its summer marketing money into product placement in the guaranteed mega-smash, Free Willy 3 (targeting the wealthy 8- to 10-year-old, computer-buying demographic)
Mortal Kombat II: Annihilation: free AOL CD-ROMs used as deadly throwing stars
Air Force One: Harrison Ford launches thermonuclear attack on Seattle with brand-new Oracle Network Computer; Larry Ellison in cameo as Secretary of Defense

For the latest in summer entertainment, check out the Web site of E!: The Entertainment Network: http://www.eonline.com/

A
blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on
her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment
that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough,
when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in
the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put
the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed,
“Honey, don’t do it…”
The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re
next!”

Seen in a tabloid-style advertisement for a kind of surplus store in
a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups:

We will not be oversold!

Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher
price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully
bill you for the difference plus 10%.

…Well, it wasnt that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.

Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.

Your second husband was killed too?!!? Thats horrible!

Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.

Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?

It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And hes a wonderful man. I think well live a long happy life together.

And what does your present husband do for a living?

Hes a mortician.

A mortician? I dont understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?

Well, if you think about it its not too hard to understand…

One for the money… Two for the show… Three to get ready… And four to go!