Old and New Jokes

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

Beer: Natures laxative.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.

You can identify an Ohio accent.

Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.

You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

The Big Mac is something that you drive across.

You believe that down south means Toledo.

You bake with soda and drink pop.

You drive 86 on the highway and you pass on the right.

Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.

You know how to pronounce Mackinac.

The word thumb has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.

You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.

You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isnt far from Hell.

Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, deer season, and Devils Night.

Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.

At least one person in your family disowns you during the Michigan/Michigan State football game.

Your year has two seasons: Winter and Construction.

You know what a millage is.

Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.

Rudolph the Red-turbaned Ayatollah

Kwanza Klaus is Coming to Town

Dont ask, Dont tell: Santas new Elf Policy

Whats a Buddhist to Dodist time of Year?

Tim Burtons Its a Wonderful Life II – staring Dr. Jack Kevorkian

The Ghost of Chanukahs Past

A Very Brady Kwanza

March of the Toy Iraqi Soldiers

A Charlie Brown Non-Secular, Atheist, Holiday Gathering

How the Grinch Stole Ramadan

© Daily Wonk Lists 2001

What do you call the owner of an American-made car?

A pedestrian.

Theres a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In


Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it


graduates from medical school.

Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.

The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, Arent you having any?

The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyones done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.

44. Find a full table. Ask, Is anyone sitting under there? Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyones shoes look.

45. If sitting with someone with whom youre romantically interested, complain how the setting isnt very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partners food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyones food.

48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.

49. Request a waitress.

50. Comment on how good the food is.