A newly captured lion was taken to Rome and placed in a cage in the Colosseum. From his window the newcomer could see fellow lions engaging in bloody combat with gladiators and pursuing Christians under the hot sun.
When the lions were finally returning to their cages after 10 hours of relentless pursuit and battle the newcomer said, Wow, I thought this job would be a snap.
Oh, the works pretty tough, a grizzled old veteran replied, But the prophets can be good.
Stanford called the vet, Doctor, youve got to come right over! My pet pig just ate the TV remote control!Ill be right there.Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime? The vet said, Read a book.
What is a ghosts favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane…
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
WITCH BURNING
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on a skunk! What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome … uh, womyn.
WINDOW WAXING
These days youll only set off the light, noise, motion, and aroma sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights — if youre lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK-OR-TREATING
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
(via Swiggy)
A loose connection.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, STOP! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.
Scripture? replied the burglar.
She said she had an axe and two 38s!
Whats the difference between men and beer? When youre done with the beer its still worth 5 cents.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, Thatll be $5000. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?
The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. That ones even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?
Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?
The shopkeeper replied, Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it says its a consultant.
Other peoples tools work only in other peoples gardens.
Children give life to the concept of immaturity.