Dos madres se encuentran por la calle y una le dice a otra:
Hola ¿qué tal estás?
Y responde la otra:
Yo bien, pero a mi hijo le han detectado sida.
Y la otra le dice alarmada:
¿Y cómo lo llevais?
Pues con mucho amor y pizza.
¿Pizza?
SÃ, es que es lo único que pasa por debajo de la puerta.
Paddy and Mick shared first prize of $500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.
But Paddy, Oive been thinking, Mick said with a worried frown, what will we do with all them beggin letters?
Shure, said Paddy, well go on sending em out.
A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number — room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.
One way ticket across the country
A grooms friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.
When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.
The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say I do.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I see myself in your pants.
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mothers house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs, and hell take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest. Dont worry, Maria, says the mother, All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you. So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and hes got hairy legs!. Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs, and hell take good care of you. So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half! Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother. This is a job for Mama!
Youre getting old when your get-up-and-go depends purely on whether you had prunes for breakfast.
There are two ways of keeping from growing old – lie about your age and drink while driving.
You know your getting on if you order a martini with a prune in it.
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. Ive got a difficult decision the VP says, I either have to Lay You or Jack off.
Oh? jack-off, Mary says, Ive got a headache.
* Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car fault warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.