Old and New Jokes

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. Whats your secret for a long happy life?

I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!



Thats amazing, the woman said. How old are you?



He thought for a moment, and replied, Twenty-six.

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Texas Version



Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.

Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,

A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,

For this was Texas, what more need be said,

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,

The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,

Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.

The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,

Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, Are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?

And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,

To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all!

This joke should be told to a drinking audience, one that can appreciate its difficulties:

Two brothers, Tucker & Buck, grew up on a duck farm with their parents; Becky & Huck. Comin back from town one day Hucks truck got unluckily stuck in some muck and, worse, the muck was between the ties of a railroad crossing. Sure enough, a train arrived and ran right over Becky, Huck, and the muck stuck truck.

Freshly orphaned, it didnt take the brothers long to exhaust their resources and in order to raise some cash, they decided to sell a couple ducks.

Tucker & Buck each tucked a duck up under their arm, & went strutting down the pike. At a fork in the road, a wager was struck for 10 bucks, Tucker & Buck would each try his luck selling a duck and meet again later to settle the wager.

Hiking briskly, Buck passed by a bungalow festooned with a buxom B girl on its Balcony. The Lass beckoned to Buck, and assured him his duck rendered adequate tender for her to remove the bends in his gender. Delighted, he complied. When finished, he dressed and proceeded to leave, alone and depressed as only the truly duckless can be. The B girl was pleased with his talent it seems saying Buck, stay and play through again, when done Ill send you, with your quacking friend, packing! So he did, and left with his duck.

The duck became heavy to Buck, so he snuck a small leash round its feathered neck and allowed it to walk beside him in the road, onward they strode. But a moment later a motorist made muck of the duck, missing Buck by sheer luck. The duck mashing driver, overcome by a duck down quilt of guilt, console Buck with a Fiver!

Walking up through the yard of their inherited home, Buck saw his sibilant sibling stacking quarters on the steps, counting 50, 75, Five Dollars! Buck hollered What, only five for your duck? Why, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, AND five bucks for a fucked up duck!

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, Sorry, heavens crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you cant get in.

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?

Oh, thats easy, the teacher replied, the Titanic. So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. How many people died on that ship? St. Peter asked. Oooh, thats tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: Name them.

Tourist to Taxi driver: How much is it to the Airport?

Taxi driver: Thats five pounds twenty.

Tourist: And how much is it for the luggage?

Taxi driver: The luggage, of course, is free.

Tourist: All right, just take that stuff along. Im walking.

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

Judge: Well, Tawanda, as I understand the charges, your man, Tyrone came home drunk the other night and violated you. And you want him put away for a while.

Tawanda: Not exactly, your Honor. He did as you say, but then hed done that many times before. This time, when he was done violating me, he went and grabbed little Annie with the glasses and violated her!

Judge: Oh, I see. I guess that would be the last straw!

Tawanda: Oh, no your Honor. Hed done that twice before, also. The last straw was when he put little Annies glasses on his violator and said, Look around big boy and see if you missed anybody!

Un día caminaba un señor por uno de los pasillos del Hospital Psiquiátrico con el doctor de turno. Mientras caminaba, ve a un hombre en una silla de ruedas muy melancólico y desolado que lloraba afanadamente y se quejaba exclamando una y otra vez: ¡Ay Loló!, ¡por qué me dejaste Loló!

Entonces el señor le pregunta al doctor:

Doctor ¿y a ese hombre qué le pasó?

Fíjese usted que ese señor se iba a casar, ya tenía todo lo de la boda listo y planeado y justo en el momento de la boda, la novia no apareció y lo dejó plantado. Desde ese día ha estado así.

Siguen caminando el señor y el doctor. Más adelante pasan por otro de los pasillos y ve el señor que va con el doctor a un hombre con camisa de fuerza que se pegaba una y otra vez contra la pared, entonces el señor le pregunta al doctor:

Doctor ¿y a ese qué le pasó?

¡Ah no, pues ese fue el que se casó con Loló!

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

What do you call a Black man in Thailand?

A Tycoon.